Bullshattuck

Bullshattuck Chooses Katie Couric's New Successor

I like Katie Couric. Really. Some find her saccharine personality to occasionally (i.e. always) border on the annoying. I on the other hand find her to be charming and delightful, while simultaeously plucky and determined. She's a scrappy orphan in manolos. She's a Norma Rae, but with better legs. She's a never-give-up Hillary Clinton, except with emotions.

It probably broke the hearts of more than just a few people (most of whom are either two, three, or seven times my age) to learn of rumors that Katie, who was America's #1 morning host and is currently America's #3 evening host, may be replaced on the CBS Evening News after this year's presidential election. Replace Katie? What will she do? How will she survive?

Who cares. Let's discuss her potential successors!

The following list, it should be pointed out, is pure speculation. In other words, 100% fact.

POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR THE CBS EVENING NEWS' SOON-TO-BE-EMPTY ANCHOR CHAIR
(Sponsored by Pfizer: "Yep, we're still making craploads of money, don't worry")

*Condoleeza Rice: It's like getting a man and a woman for the price of one.

*Rosie O'Donnell: As everyone knows, the seventh time hosting a television show is the charm.

*Amy Winehouse: How fun would it be if the evening news was a drinking game? You take a shot every time the anchor herself appears to be drunk!

*Terry Gross: Only because no one actually knows what she looks like.

*Laura Bush: The evening news is already boring enough as it is, so Laura Bush will feel right at home.

*Britney Spears: Let's be honest - you would pay money to hear her stumble her way through the word "Fallujah." Or to see if she even shows up.

*Ann Coulter: Because 'tranny' is 'the new black.' What's that I'm told - Ann Coulter isn't a transexual? I have to be honest, I sometimes confuse "post-op transexuals" with "men in drag."

*Margaret Thatcher: But could anyone stand to even watch her host the news? Sorry, I was told that jokes about 'Margaret Thatcher being ugly' are still funny. I think I've been lied to.

*Heather Mills: Let me just state for the record that she loves the evening news, and is not just marrying it for its money.

*Nancy Pelosi: All the anchor has to do is just sit there and talk, without having to take any type of real action? In that case, she's ready for the job.

*Nancy Grace: The only caveat is that her contract states that she be allowed to discuss at least one celebrity's death per broadcast.

*Miley Cyrus: After conquering music, television, and live concerts, anchoring the evening seems like the next logical step. That is, if you can find a ticket anywhere.

*Arianna Huffington: Sure, you won't understand a single damn word she says, but at least you'll agree with her.

*Angelina Jolie: She's beautiful, she's rich, she donates time and money to countless charities, and now she hosts the evening news. Why? Because you needed another excuse to hate yourself.

*Tyra Banks: You know, the evening news is depressing enough as it is. Let's learn more about the actual news anchor.

Bullshattuck Supports Women for President

According to current polls for the 2008 U.S. Presidential Elections, it looks like the candidates currently leading the race are Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani.

Women across America, take heart!

If the current leading presidential candidates hold out, it looks like regardless of whether a Republican or a Democrat wins, for the first time in history the United States will have a female president!

The Un-Penis Monologues

(This essay was also published in the March 16th, 2007 issue of the QSaltLake, Utah’s Gay & Lesbian News & Entertainment Magazine)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gynecology or speleology? Asking the difference between the two is likely to offend some people.

Although to be honest, both ologies are in fact so similar, they both require a flashlight.

I watched my cousin Lisa/Aisha/Apple perform in a theatrical, artistic, tasteful presentation of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ at Utah Valley State College a few weeks ago. And then afterwards, we went to Hooters! Sure, Hooters may be an incredibly obscene and politically incorrect restaurant that exists simply to demean women, but lets be honest – their chicken wings are to die for.

Ok, I’ll admit that I didn’t actually have dinner at Hooters. But that’s only because I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that Hooters will be endorsed by N.O.W.

I use adjectives such as “theatrical,” “artistic,” and “tasteful” when describing ‘The Vagina Monologues,’ because I don’t know what adjectives I’m actually allowed to use. While I consider myself somewhat of a semi-feminist, I’m not schooled in the theories or philosophies of the Feminist Argument, and so I always have this subconscious fear that I’m going to offend some Feminist In Charge because I still use the word ‘women’ and not ‘womyn.’ Then again, I occasionally consider myself somewhat of a traditionalist. Which would explain my recent feud with Junior Vasquez. There are some things that should just be left alone and not changed or remixed. Like the word ‘women.’

And songs by Ace of Base.

For those who have never seen the play ‘The Vagina Monologues,’ you’re missing out on a play which tackles the radical idea that women have the same rights as men, should not be abused and, heaven forbid, actually be respected. While on the one hand these are all ideas that I agree with, on the other hand, the play addresses these issues through vagina metaphors and vagina symbolism and vagina imagery and vagina stories and vagina jokes and vagina vaginas and so many other vagina variations I didn’t know could possibly make me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t realize there were that many ways to make me feel awkward. Although to be fair, I was also sitting next to my aunt. I shouldn’t say however that I was surprised that some of the monologues in ‘The Vagina Monologues’ made me feel uncomfortable; I felt just as uncomfortable when Mean Joe Greene traded me his jersey for my Coke. What was I doing, a 10-year old kid, in a locker room with a grown man in the first place?

Despite my feeling overtly uncomfortable with female anatomy, I’ve always been incredibly sympathetic to the feminine cause. I don’t necessarily know if it’s because of my liberalism, my gayism, or my believing-women-are-just-as-equal-as-men-ism, but nevertheless, I’ve always felt a subconscious connection with the feminine cause and women’s rights. It’s curious – and disappointing – however that in this day and age, with as many people who feel the same as I do, that the role of women in society is still debated. More than three decades have passed since the Equal Rights Amendment, and yet the United States still debates abortion, the glass ceiling, and whether the country is ready for a woman to be president. One of the more asinine arguments against a woman president is that she would allow her hormones to dictate her decisions. Which would explain why Sri Lanka, India, Israel, Argentina, Great Britain, Portugal, Bolivia, Dominica, Iceland, Norway, Yugoslavia, Malta, Netherlands, Philippines, Pakistan, Nicaragua, Ireland, Haiti, Burma, Bangladesh, France, Poland, Canada, Burundi, Rwanda, Turkey, Bulgaria, Guyana, Switzerland, Bermuda, Mongolia, New Zealand, Panama, Latvia, and Finland broke out into civil war every time their president or prime minister went through menopause.

I don’t necessarily know yet whether I would vote for the sycophant that is Hillary Rodham/Clinton/Whomever You Want Me To Be, but I’d like to at least entertain the idea. I don’t make political decisions simply because it would historical, faddish, or really cool, but nevertheless I do believe that a woman president would set an amazing precedent for women worldwide. One of my favorite monologues in ‘The Vagina Monologues’ was one performed by my cousin Lisa (what? I don’t even know what the word ‘bias’ means) on rape. Her monologue in particular made the issue that much more real. If ‘The Vagina Monologues’ can wake people up to the fact that a large percentage of the female population is raped or abused, perhaps a female president can take action one step further. Even if, to be honest, the reality of a woman winning the presidency is as likely as Thomas Pynchon doing the talk show circuit.

I respect women. I collect the yogurt lids for breast cancer. I generally try to avoid making sexist jokes. I believe that women have the right to choose. I feel that women should be equal with men. I do however believe that there are some things that women should not do. Some people say ‘run for president.’

I say ‘work at Hooters.’