Bullshattuck

I Want to Tell a Kid that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down

This is an ad I saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. It reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us."

I understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us?

I can only imagine the ads they rejected:

• "No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that most of their toys are from China and contain lethal amounts of lead. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that dressing up like Miley Cyrus for Halloween makes the kid look like a whore. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that the reason the tooth fairy has stopped leaving money under the kid's pillow is because daddy is an alcoholic and spent all of his money on booze. Certainly not us."

Ron Paul Followers Do Not Believe in Using Hyperbole

With all the commotion surrounding Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and if you squint just right, John McCain as well), it’s easy for some people to forget that Ron Paul is still running for the president of the United States. Of course by “some people,” I mean “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution.”

And of course by “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution,” I mean “pretty much everybody.”

Ron Paul released his new book yesterday, The Revolution: A Manifesto. For those who don’t plan on voting for Ron Paul, this was simply a new book. For those who do plan on voting for Ron Paul, this book is more groundbreakingly historical than a copy of the Bible handwritten by Jesus himself, complete with a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory wedged between the Old and New Testaments.

To Ron Paul supporters, this is no ordinary book – this is the book to end all books.

Hyperbole is an Eliot Spitzer prostitute – they’re both cheap and easy (minus the cheap part). Therefore, instead of believing my hyperbole concerning Ron Paul’s infallible book, consider the following real comments left on Amazon.com:

That's right. You read correctly.

1. “Ron Paul + Jesse Ventura = Critical Mass”

2. “If this book does not save our liberties, what will?”

3. “The most important writing since Patrick Henry’s ‘Common Sense’”

4. “Ultimate Survival kit for seekers of liberty: The Bible & The Revolution: A Manifesto”

5. “Perhaps we can still save our country, by Warpy McDuckard”

Warpy McDuckard. Warpy McDuckard. Someone believes we can still save our country, and that person is Warpy McDuckard.

And my favorite…

Ron Paul More Important than the Second Coming of Christ?

You have to at least give them credit for asking this in the form of a question, and not just assuming.

So there you have it. People who review Ron Paul's new book do believe in hyperbole, and are a lot more normal than the media would have us believe.

On an absolutely, completely unrelated note, ‘The Secret’ is still on sale on Amazon.

Announcing the Launch of Utah's Brand New #1 News Source

Dear friends, family, visitors to Bullshattuck, and whomever doesn't fit in that category (like my acupuncturist):

If you live in Utah, you know that your news choices consist of Something Tribune, and Deseret Something. Don't you deserve more? Should there not be more, and better, choices for news? Why can't there exist a news source which just so happens to be written by a team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists? And what exactly is this project that Ryan's been working on these past few months? As some of you know:

*I almost got a job writing for The Onion. But didn't.
*I almost got a job writing for the Associated Press. But didn't.
*I almost had a publisher give me the green light for my book. But didn't.

What do I do when life hands me "no" and "we're not interested?" Simple - I make lemonade. Rejection makes me kind of thirsty.

Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce the launch of my newest lemonade... The Regal Seagull: Utah's Brand New #1 News Source. You're welcome.

A team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists, plumb the depths of the Utah news world in order to bring you the news that actually matters. Consider the following stories, which appear in our first issue:

*"Idaho can't find identity, petitions federal government to become 'North Utah'"
*"Las Vegas loses title of 'Sin City' to West Jordan"
*"Utah to build giant fence to end illegal bird migration"
*"Guy in Ogden disappointed he never auditioned for Everwood"
*...and other hard hitting news stories

Do you think these important stories would ever appear in the Salt Lake Tribune or the Deseret Whatever It's Called? Absolutely not. They may have clout and self-respect, but we have determination and moxie.

So go ahead, visit The Regal Seagull. Link to The Regal Seagull. Tell people about The Regal Seagull. Become part of the 60 million Utah residents who have learned to trust The Regal Seagull for all their newsy needs.

Someone needs to plumb the Utah news world. Let The Regal Seagull be your news plumber.

Thank you, friends and family. And my acupuncturist.

regally seagully yours,
RYAN SHATTUCK

Bullshattuck Chooses Katie Couric's New Successor

I like Katie Couric. Really. Some find her saccharine personality to occasionally (i.e. always) border on the annoying. I on the other hand find her to be charming and delightful, while simultaeously plucky and determined. She's a scrappy orphan in manolos. She's a Norma Rae, but with better legs. She's a never-give-up Hillary Clinton, except with emotions.

It probably broke the hearts of more than just a few people (most of whom are either two, three, or seven times my age) to learn of rumors that Katie, who was America's #1 morning host and is currently America's #3 evening host, may be replaced on the CBS Evening News after this year's presidential election. Replace Katie? What will she do? How will she survive?

Who cares. Let's discuss her potential successors!

The following list, it should be pointed out, is pure speculation. In other words, 100% fact.

POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR THE CBS EVENING NEWS' SOON-TO-BE-EMPTY ANCHOR CHAIR
(Sponsored by Pfizer: "Yep, we're still making craploads of money, don't worry")

*Condoleeza Rice: It's like getting a man and a woman for the price of one.

*Rosie O'Donnell: As everyone knows, the seventh time hosting a television show is the charm.

*Amy Winehouse: How fun would it be if the evening news was a drinking game? You take a shot every time the anchor herself appears to be drunk!

*Terry Gross: Only because no one actually knows what she looks like.

*Laura Bush: The evening news is already boring enough as it is, so Laura Bush will feel right at home.

*Britney Spears: Let's be honest - you would pay money to hear her stumble her way through the word "Fallujah." Or to see if she even shows up.

*Ann Coulter: Because 'tranny' is 'the new black.' What's that I'm told - Ann Coulter isn't a transexual? I have to be honest, I sometimes confuse "post-op transexuals" with "men in drag."

*Margaret Thatcher: But could anyone stand to even watch her host the news? Sorry, I was told that jokes about 'Margaret Thatcher being ugly' are still funny. I think I've been lied to.

*Heather Mills: Let me just state for the record that she loves the evening news, and is not just marrying it for its money.

*Nancy Pelosi: All the anchor has to do is just sit there and talk, without having to take any type of real action? In that case, she's ready for the job.

*Nancy Grace: The only caveat is that her contract states that she be allowed to discuss at least one celebrity's death per broadcast.

*Miley Cyrus: After conquering music, television, and live concerts, anchoring the evening seems like the next logical step. That is, if you can find a ticket anywhere.

*Arianna Huffington: Sure, you won't understand a single damn word she says, but at least you'll agree with her.

*Angelina Jolie: She's beautiful, she's rich, she donates time and money to countless charities, and now she hosts the evening news. Why? Because you needed another excuse to hate yourself.

*Tyra Banks: You know, the evening news is depressing enough as it is. Let's learn more about the actual news anchor.

Saying "The Media Is In Love with Barack Obama" Hurts Barack Obama's Feelings

Don't get me wrong.

I'm all for Barack Obama. I think he's charimatic, he's a great leader, he's inspirational, he's [reason #3], he's [reason #4], and he's at least [reason #5]. But c'mon with the deification already.

This is Rolling Stones' current issue, with Obama on the cover. As usual, he's not smiling (hope never smiles).

This celesetial light behind him is rather confusing. Am I supposed to vote for Barack Obama - or pray to Barack Obama?

Everybody Hates Bullshattuck (Episode 3), Starring Cher

She's won an Emmy for The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour. She's won an Academy Award for Moonstruck. She's won like a billion Grammys for who even knows. And now, as if she hasn't done enough already, Cher is inspiring people to declare their hatred for me.

I wrote a column for the Daily Utah Chronicle a few days ago. It's important to note that this column was not about Cher. It had nothing to do with Cher at all. Rather, it was about the loss of privacy in the age of Google. I made one random, dumb joke about Cher. I'll admit that the joke didn't really make that much sense. It is as follows:

Many people want to be famous, whether it be the hordes of people auditioning for "American Idol," or Cher, whose desperate attempts at clinging to fame are marked by the fact that she's had more farewell tours than most people have teeth.

And then they released the hounds.

People (whom I assume to be rabid fans of the Salt Lake City branch of Cher's fan club, escaped patients from the local mental ward, or a combination of both), went bat-defecation crazy! People started leaving all sorts of wonderfully ridiculous comments on my column. I was accused of not being factual! I was accused of defamation! I was accused of shoddy journalism! I was accused of personally being responsible for the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, for causing the Iran-Contra Scandal, and of giving Suri Cruise too much candy before bedtime! (c'mon, you know it keeps her up at night)

Now added to my list of never-joke-about topics: "Cher." She should take comfort in knowing that she joins such other renowned never-joke-about topics as "Mother Teresa," "breast cancer," "Tamagotchis," and the "Olive Garden." "Ugly toupees" is still pending approval.

I won't post all of the Ryan-Shattuck-should-die comments, as I don't have that kind of storage or bandwith. If you're interested, you can read them in their entirety here.

I will however include my favorite comment, as left by the president of of Cher's Salt Lake City Fan Club:

Wikipedia Find of the Day: "Wikipedia's Founder's Ex Totally Seeks Revenge"

Remember when you watched Kill Bill a couple of years ago, and thought to yourself "Wow, if I ever date Beatrix Kiddo/Black Mamba/The Bride/What's Up With All The Names, I'll have to be sure to not piss her off. Cause seriously, the woman knows how to seek revenge - and I have no desire to die by knife, cobra, or the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique."

Oh c'mon, I couldn't possibly have been the only one to think that.

As it turns out, Beatrix Kiddo/Black Mamba/The Bride/Seriously, What's Up With All The Names has nothing on Rachel Marsden. As in the ex of Jimmy Wales. As in the guy who founded Wikipedia.

Apparently Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales dated Rachel Marsden.

He decided to break up with her by informing her via - what else? - Wikipedia.

Rachel Marsden didn't enjoy being informed via Wikipedia that her relationship had ended.

Rachel Marsden decided to seek revenge by getting rid of some of Jimmy Wales' old stuff.

Not at a garage sale. Not dropping it off at a Salvation Army.

But selling his old stuff on eBay. That's right. You can buy it right here.

This is probably the most amazing story I've heard all week. When you hear about something like this (the jealousy! the intrigue! the manipulation of the internet's most highly-trafficked websites!), you can't help but think... wouldn't this make a great revenge movie? The founder of one of the internet's most popular websites breaks up with a woman, and she retaliates by selling his old crap on one of the internet's most popular websites! Who wouldn't watch that movie?

I know I would, and not just because it's being directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Throw Your Vote Away on Bullshattuck.com and Nader, Please

Don't be mad. But I've decided to pull a Ralph Nader and enter a contest which has already been going on for some time, and whose prize I don't deserve. Unlike Nader however, you don't owe your seatbelt to me.

Oh, and I'm not asexual.

I've decided to enter my blog, Bullshattuck.com, in Salt Lake City Weekly's Best of Utah 2008. Last year I somehow won second place for "Utah's best blog," and after a lot of sleepless nights in deciding whether to enter again this year, I came to two conclusions. One, I WILL enter again this year after all. Two, I need to buy more Ambien.

Thus I am officially kicking off my campaign for Salt Lake City Weekly's Best of Utah 2008. I realize that you may ask yourself "But isn't it 'wrong' or 'cheating like' to campaign for a contest which is simply meant to judge excellence in the state of Utah?" You would be correct. But that is also why you and I are no longer dating - because you never learned to keep your damn mouth shut. So yes, I'm campaigning. And if this feeling I feel right now is guilt, then I don't ever want to be right. Or innocent. I suppose I'm saying I'd rather be wrong and guilty. Which doesn't really make sense.

I realize that there are many MANY blogs in Utah that are much better than mine. Let's not delude oursevles into thinking that life is fair, or that Bullshattuck.com is even that great. If the 2000 presidential election taught us anything though, it's that the best person in a contest usually doesn't win. They do however usually end up winning an Oscar, and maybe even a Nobel Peace Prize. So cheer up, SLCSpin.com. Take heart, The World, According To Me. Maybe you won't win first place - but someone has to make An Inconvenient Truth, Part II.

Now don't get me wrong - I don't want to win first place. I repeat: I don't want to win first place. Rather, I am actively campaigning for second place. Because I won second place last year, I believe that I am in an even better position to win second place again this year. Seriously - why improve year over year, when it is SO much easier to simply maintain mediocrity?

So sally forth, dear Bullshattuck faithful! With your help, we can receive second place in the Salt Lake City Weekly's Best of Utah 2008! And by "we," I mean "me."

Because let's be honest: "second place goes to Bullshattuck.com and his readers" just sounds ridiculous.

HOW TO VOTE FOR BULLSHATTUCK.COM IN 10 EASY STEPS:

1.) Go to www.slweekly.com right now. Say that Bullshattuck sent you. Maybe you'll even get a sarsaparilla on the house.

2.) If you're not already registered, then register.

3.) Scroll down until you see "Best Local Blogger," underneath the "Media & Politics" section

4.) Enter in bullshattuck.com for "Best Local Blogger." Or don't.

5.) You can also enter "Ryan Shattuck" for "Best Tax Dollars in Action," because that's kind of funny.

5.) Be sure to fill out a minimum of 10 other entries.

6.) Submit your ballot. Obviously.

7.) VOTE BY MARCH 10TH!

8.) VOTE BY MARCH 10TH!

9.) VOTE BY MARCH 10TH!

10.) Go take a nap. Really, you've been looking kind of pale and Amy Winehouse-ish lately.

That's it! Thank you for your support! Together, yes we can!

Salt Lake Tribune LOVES Birthdays!

The Salt Lake Tribune has a story today about a father and his daughter who both share the same leap day birthday.

THE SAME LEAP DAY BIRTHDAY?!?! WhAt ArE tHe OdDs?!?! HoW pOsItVeLy WaCkY!!!!! aNd NeWsWoRtHy!!!! If I dIdNt KnOw AnY bEtTeR, i WoUlD sAy ItS a SlOw NeWs DaY!!!!

I just looooove stories about birthdays! LOLOLOLOLOL!

I can't wait until the Salt Lake Tribune writes a story about MY birthday! As they undoubtedly will!

ABC Thinks There's Nothing Gay About the Oscars

Apparently ABC is afraid of offending Oscars viewers with gay content. Which makes sense, because the Oscars is only the gay community's largest television event of the year. If anything, I'm surprised that annual Gay Pride parades aren't scheduled to fall on the same weekend as the Oscars - it only seems appropriate.

When No Country for Old Men producer Scott Rudin won the Oscar for Best Picture and thanked his partner John Barlow last night, ABC thought they would do a little trimming from the official transcript.

Here's the official transcript (by way of Queerty.com):

And here's the video (by way of Queerty.com):

ABC, I'm really disappointed in you. So now you edit 'objectionable' content out of your transcripts, for fear that it may offend your conservative watchers?

I keep forgetting... am I watching the Oscars on ABC, or Fox News?