Bullshattuck

Gay Mormons? Mormon Leaders? Good Luck Chuck?

Good Luck Chuck?

Wasn't that movie supposed to be absolutely awful? I never saw it, but it has Dane Cook in it - which is the acting equivalent of adding a teaspoon of urine to a bottle of 1998 Petrus Pomerol merlot - so I don't doubt that the movie was terrible. He sure does piss all over everything, doesn't he? "You know, Gone With the Wind would have been one of the greatest films in the history of humankind - but it had Dane Cook in it. So I walked out towards the middle."

Dane Cook has nothing to do with being gay. Most people also believe that gay people have nothing to do with Mormons. Yet everything comes full circle.

I keep seeing the headline "Gay Mormons Seek Meeting With New Leader" show up in my RSS reader this morning, so after the 4th headline I took the bait - and clicked. While I don't necessarily follow gay Mormon issues the way others do (yawn, yawn and yawn) I'm a rather unsuccessful homosexual as well as formerly attended the Mormon church myself. Thus, I'm curious.

Apparently the group Affirmation recently sent a letter to the LDS Church's newest president, Thomas S. Monson, requesting a meeting. According to the article:

Affirmation, with more than 2,000 gay, lesbian and transgender members, is not recognized by the church, which at one time labeled homosexuality as a problem that required help.

"Although there are many areas of hurt and disagreement that have separated us, there are many more areas on which we can find agreement, and in doing so, become a blessing in the lives of many of the Saints, both straight and gay," the group wrote in its invitation to Thomas S. Monson last week.

Monson assumed leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints last Sunday following the death of its previous president, Gordon B. Hinckley.

Such a meeting with Monson and his counselors — a triumvirate known as the First Presidency — would be unprecedented, said David W. Melson, the group's assistant executive director.

"This was something we've talked about for a while," Melson said. "With the death of President Hinckley and the installation of new church leadership, it seemed like the appropriate time."

Fascinating. I have very mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, it's encouraging to think that people still associated with the 'Gay Mormon Movement' (I just trademarked that - it's mine now) are hoping to make a positive change within the LDS Church, and that it it appears as though progress is possible. On the other hand though, what do those who no longer have an association with the LDS Church - such as myself - feel about such action?

Years ago, when I was more involved with the 'Gay Mormon Movement' (tm), I would have been encouraged by such prospects. As I've continued to live my life though, and broaden my spiritual understandings, I feel as though I no longer need to define my spirituality by a pre-defined periphery.

While I applaud the steps taken by Affirmation, the other disillusioned and cynical no-longer-Mormon-but-happily-gay members of the gay community - those who feel as I do - can't help but ask: "is it even worth it?" I obviously don't have an answer.

I appreciate the steps taken by others on their quest to find the intersection of sexuality and religion. I on the other hand am perfectly happy spending my afternoon watching Good Luck Chuck.

How to Piss Off Bullshattuck and Mormons

Not sure what I think of this. According to the stats that track visitors to my site, if you google the words "how to piss off a mormon," look at the second site to appear:

Jesus Wouldn't Wear an Ugly Sweater

(This article was published in the
November 29th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

---

There's just something about Christmas time that makes me want to have tiny crackers with tiny pieces of salami with a tiny jar of mustard and a mint. Not too much! Don't make it too big! I don't want to spoil the spirit of Christmas by having crackers too big with too much salami and a normal-sized jar of mustard.

Welcome to the beginning of December. In case the spirit of Christmas wasn't visible the day after Halloween, we're now into full-throttle December where the only place the spirit of Christmas isn't visible is in hell. And even the Devil puts up Christmas lights.

I find it appropriate that Christmas is in the last week of the year. It's such an emotional, polarizing holiday -- bringing out the truly best and the truly worst in people -- that it could only be at the end of the year. Those wacky sun-worshipping pagans in the fourth century sure knew what they were doing when they picked Dec. 25, and then later, when the Catholic Church decided to capitalize on those wacky pagan rituals -- clever, clever, clever. Even though people attend more social events, give more to charity and spend more time with family during the month of December, levels of stress, depression and crime also rise. It's as if the age-old battle of Good vs. Evil plays out at the end of every year, with the two polar extremes of human nature on display for time and humanity to witness.

Then we get presents!

One of my favorite things about December is that people are allowed to do things and say things and wear things and eat things which they would never do or say or wear or eat at any other time of the year. I have a sweater I occasionally wear that my "friends" affectionately refer to as the "Waldo Krueger" sweater. Could I wear my red striped sweater -- which has the uncanny ability to make me look like both the cane-wielding bespectacled nerd who always seems to lose himself, and like Freddy, that villain who oddly seemed to scare '80s teenagers witless -- at any other time of the year? No, I could not. But because it's December, what normally would be considered gaudy and terrible is now considered festive and fashionable.

Could one possibly wear a red felt hat, complete with a white pompom on the end, at any other time of the year? Let's hope not. Yet, such Santa-head attire is so common in December that everyone accepts it. At the office. At the dentist. At the gym. At the synagogue. At the proctologist. Even people working retail get away with wearing Santa hats at Christmas time.

Yeah, I know! Mall employees wearing ridiculous headwear to promote mass commercialism! How Kafkaesque.

I also look forward to December, for it is around this time that begins the symphony of bemoaning, conducted by such festive characters as Bill O'Reilly, condemning the politically correct decisions of those businesses who use the words "Happy Holidays" in place of "Merry Christmas." Never mind the fact that Christmas is already such a commercial force that there exists a $6.5 billion industry for Christmas decorations alone.

No, we must not lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas by replacing it with the word holiday. Perhaps, we should ignore everything else about Christmas that isn't Christian as well?

I also find ironic those who complain about the word "X-mas," saying that by using this word one is essentially "x-ing" the name Christ out of Christmas. I'm assuming these people already knew that in the Greek version of the New Testament, the letter X is the first letter of the Christ, and that since the mid-16th century, the letter X has been used as an abbreviation for Christ as well.

Good thing we have people worrying about the wordage being used for Christmas. I might not care whether the hungry have food on the table or the homeless have shelter during this Christmas season, but I will certainly make sure that everyone uses the word "Christmas."

What would Jesus do? That I don't know, but I would be willing to guess that even Jesus would be more concerned for other people, as opposed to what people call His holiday.

I'm also pretty sure He wouldn't wear an ugly sweater.

Douchebag Ex Machina

So I didn’t end up leaving for California for Thanksgiving last night after all. And I'm pointing my blame upstairs.

Proving that the Almighty has a sense of humor (“By the way, I’m going to make everything in your life more difficult until it borders on the comical! Ha!” --God), Mark and I didn’t leave last night due to car troubles. Yes, car troubles – the bane of all interstate travelers and anyone who has to be somewhere on time.

So pending a canceled hotel reservation in Reno, a car tune-up, and a hearty slice of deux ex machina, I just may end up in California by this time tomorrow after all. I suppose however that my satirical blame for deity for my car troubles isn't any better than the governor of Georgia leading ministers and lawmakers in a prayer for rain. I'm not even talking about the whole state-waking-up-and-finding-church-slipped-state-a-roofie-and-now-state-is-pregnant-with-church's-baby issue. There IS no more separation of church and state. Rather, I'm talking about immaturity of those who replace responsibility with faith. Did you need to worry about water conservation, Governor Sonny Perdue? Did you need to pay any heed to environmental warnings, Governor Sonny Perdue?

Of course not - eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we can pray to God and hope he'll clean up our mess.

I suppose I have two options. I can accept the fact that due to my lack of planning, I'm not leaving for California for Thanksgiving on the day I wanted. Or I can "pull a Governor Sonny" and ask Deity to clean up my irresponsibility.

Yes, waiter? Could I have a second slice of deux ex machina? And this time, can I get it without a side order of guilt? Thanks, you're a doll.

How to Piss Off the Citizenry of Salt Lake City, as Observed by Bullshattuck

The Salt Lake Tribune can write an article on gay marriage. Boo hoo, no one cares.

The Salt Lake Tribune can write an article on abortion. Waa waa, no one blinks an eye.

The Salt Lake Tribune can write an article on the pros and cons of killing one's mother-in-law by giving her antacid laced with rat poison and then pushing her down the stairs once she becomes groggy and disoriented. Yawn yawn, no even notices.

But you want to piss people off? You want to turn the entire Salt Lake Valley upside down and inside out, where citizens turn against citizens, in a battle-to-the-finish of State -vs- Religion? You want a response so massive to your Salt Lake Tribune article, that people take to the streets looking for blood?

Simply write an article on "Single word change in Book of Mormon speaks volumes", and then get out of the way as the mobs seek revenge.

It goes without saying that Salt Lake City is a bizarre dichotomy of Headquarters of the LDS Church and The Most Liberal and Agnostic City in the State of Utah. I read with interest and regularity the comments board on the Salt Lake Tribune's website, always curious as to which topic is going to set the Mormon-lovers and the Mormon-haters off today. But wow, if I've never seen a terrifying response to something as benign - and boring - as a word change in the Book of Mormon.

Bullshattuck Issues the 10 Commandments for Drivers

In order to prove that they're totally not gimmicky, the Vatican issued yesterday a set of 'Ten Commandments for Drivers,' in response to the popularity seen with their 'Ten Commandments of Children's Puppetry,' 'Ten Commandments of Arena Football Viewing' and their 'Ten Commandments of Having a Lunch Date with Calista Flockhart without Being Eaten.'

Some of the commandments for drivers include advice such as "not drinking and driving" (because you needed the Vatican to tell you that?) and "praying you make it before you even buckle up" (which actually is good advice if you're driving your children to their weekly confessional with your Catholic priest).

Don't drink and drive? Avoid road rage? Obey traffic regulations? These are commandments? Leave it Bullshattuck to attempt to outdo the Vatican. Instead, how about...

BULLSHATTUCK'S 10 COMMANDMENTS FOR DRIVERS
(IN TECHNICOLOR)

1. Thou shall not hit pedestrians with your car, regardless of whether they happen to be crossing the street slower than Lauren Bacall after hip surgery.

2. Thou shall not text while driving - unless in cases of emergency, such as telling your friend "lol, c u soon."

3. Thou shall allow other drivers the privilege of merging into your lane. You may only prevent other drivers from attempting to merge into your lane UPON DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU HAVE THE PROPERTY DEED TO THAT PARTICULAR LANE AND ARE THEREFORE THE RIGHT AND LEGAL OWNER.

4. Thou shall not listen to A Flock of Seagulls at full volume and with the windows down, without written consist from all drivers in the nearby vicinity.

5. Thou shall refrain from road rage by instead redirecting your rage to where it really belongs - the U.S. occupation of Iraq - Aaron Sorkin for turning down the knob on 'Studio 60's' watchability factor - your cell phone bill - the media's almost gluttonous coverage of Paris Hilton as she sneezes in jail - nonalcoholic beer

6. Thou shall recognize when your car is spewing more harmful exhaust and fumes than Donald Trump at a broadway revival of 'Taboo.'

7. Thou shall not drink and drive, unless your last name ends in Joel, Gibson, or Hilton.

8. Thou shall pay at least half as much attention to the traffic light as you would to, let's say, YouTube.

9. Thou shall not attempt to catch 'quick glances' of the cartoon playing on the portable DVD player for your baby - unless of course you are sitting in the back seat, and your baby is the one driving.

10. Thou shall leave your car at home and take public transportation.

Bullshattuck Apologizes for Being 'Racist' By Coming to Utah and Researching His Genealogy

I can already imagine the 'Mormon Faith Inspiring Rumors' (trademarked!) that will be swirling, from the banks of the dirty Utah Lake in Provo, to the shores of the dirty Great Salt Lake in, well, you know where the Great Salt Lake is.

OLD MORMON FAITH INSPIRING RUMORS:
*Did you hear that Steve Martin is Mormon?

*Did you hear that Christina Aguilera is Mormon?

*Did you hear that Larry king is Mormon?

NEW MORMON FAITH INSPIRING RUMORS:
*Did you hear that Al Sharpton is Mormon?

How long will it be, until it's reported that Al Sharpton has been sighted leaving the Salt Lake Temple OR visiting his local CleanFlicks OR leaving Dairy Queen with a bag of fry sauce or walking down the street with a casserole for the family he hometeaches OR leaving Rite-Aid with a bag of Prozac?

I'll give it 5 months.

The Salt Lake Tribune reported that Mr. Sharpton was in town yesterday, making ammends for his comments from last week, that "As for the one Mormon running for office, those who really believe in God will defeat him anyways."

Several points on Al Sharpton's 'Mormons Are Great, Really! Tour' included:
*meeting with LDS apostle M. Russell Ballard at the Grand America Hotel
*taking a tour of the LDS Tabernacle on Temple Square
*visiting the LDS Conference Center & Family History Library
*broadcating his live radio show from a studio in Bonneville International
*stopping by LDS Welfare Square
*reminding America that you can't say anything about anyone anymore, without having to fly to their city and consequently spending an entire day pretending that you've always been wholeheartedly interested in their religion/politics/race/Rutgers basketball team.

Offensive Slurs Heard Uttered by Bullshattuck

Aw nuts. Apparently being Mormon doesn't allow you the religious freedom to use anti-gay slurs.

An absolutely fascinating story appeared in the news today, about a poor little Mormon girl named Rebekah Rice who sued Maria Carrillo High School for sending her to the principal's office. Several years ago, little Ms. Rice responded to anti-Mormon criticism from fellow students by blurting out "that's so gay." The teacher who overheard the offensive comment sent little Ms. Rice to the principal's office. End of story.

No, not really end of story.

Little innocent Ms. Rice and her more-innocent-than-doves-dipped-in-white-chocolate Mormon parents decided to sue Maria Carrillo High School. Apparently someone failed to tell sweet Mormon family, The Rices, that EVERYONE ACCEPTS THE FACT THAT HIGH SCHOOL IS ONE OF THE MOST UNFAIR INSTITUTIONS IN SOCIETY, AND SUING A HIGH SCHOOL FOR NOT BEING FAIR IS TANTAMOUNT TO SUING ANNA WINTOUR FOR WEARING A FURCOAT MADE OF PUPPIES.

C'mon, The Rices. You can't sue a high school for being unfair. I didn't enjoy my high school years, and I certainly didn't think they were fair. NO ONE enjoys their high school years, and NO ONE thinks their high school was fair. Goodness, the words 'high school' are even Latin for 'really really unfair'.

Face your punishment, little Ms. Rice. You killed Domingo Montoya's father. Prepare to die.

Fortunately, Northern California has mostly logical and responsible judges. Sonoma County Superior Court Judge Elaine Rushing ruled yesterday that the more-innocent-than-doves-dipped-in-white-chocolate Rices were not entitled to monetary damages from Maria Carrillo High School.

Wrote Judge Rushing in a 20-page ruling:

"All of us have probably felt at some time that we were unfairly punished by a callous teacher, or picked on and teased by boorish and uncaring bullies... unfortunately, this is part of what teenagers endure in becoming adults."

I address this to you, little Ms. Rice. Everyone is allowed to use offensive slurs. I understand that because of your Mormon upbringing, you've been raised to believe that 'gay' is not a word for someone who happens to be homosexual, but rather is a substitute for 'stupid' or 'uncool.' That's fine. You're welcome to say that. But next time you sue a high school for sending you to a principal's office, remember that:

1. We already know that high school is unfair.
2. You live in Santa Rosa, one of the most liberal cities, in one of the most liberal states in the U.S.

If it's any consolation little Ms. Rice, I do have three words for you.

"That's so mormon."

May 15th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

LUCIFER:

The BBC reported today that notorious U.S. conservative evangelist Reverend Jerry Falwell died today at the age of 73 in Lynchburg, Virginia. Fallwell, was remembered for his many controversial comments, especially against those he felt were responsible for the 9/11 attacks:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Falwell was found unconscience in his office at Liberty University this morning, and was later taken to the hospital. In an ironic twist of fate, those who found him in his office immediately gave him CPR, and were later discovered to be pagans, abortionists, and feminists, while the doctors attempting to save his life turned out to be gays, lesbians, and the ACLU.

-bullshattuck

May 10th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

MITT:

Good tactic, Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney of all people, calling Al Sharpton a bigot. That always works. Mitty recently took offense to comments that Al Sharpton made about Mormons, to which Mitty replied:

"It shows that bigotry still exists in some corners... I thought it was a most unfortunate comment to make."

Listen, Mitt. You can't call AL SHARPTON a bigot. That's Al Sharpton's job - he already has the market cornered on bigot-accusing.

I can only imagine what's next in the Mitty Bag-o-tricks. Perhaps telling Bill O'Reilly to "shut up?"

-bullshattuck