Is it wrong to secretly hope that the incredibly loud, argumentative, obnoxious, abusive neighbors who live next door to you and fill most hours of most days with emotional yelling and pounding of walls, eventually beat each other to death?
If so, consider me wrong.
Lynne Spears, the woman responsible for bringing Britney Spears into this world, recently had an interview with Life & Style Weekly magazine, in which she commented on Britney's unusual behavior as of late. "I blame myself. What mother wouldn't?" Lynne Spears continued, "I wish I'd been there more while she was touring. But I couldn't be. I had the other kids to look after."
Making the most of a bad situation - i.e. an interview with Life & Style Weekly magazine - Lynne Spears made a point of mentioning her memoir coming out next Mother's Day, titled "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World."
When asked what she thought of Britney's behavior of several months ago in which she shaved her head and attacked paparazzi with an umbrella, Lynne Spears made a point of mentioning her memoir coming out next Mother's Day, titled "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World."
Requesting her opinion concerning Britney's recent legal problems including losing custody of her children, Lynne Spears made a point of mentioning her memoir coming out next Mother's Day, titled "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World."
Lynne Spears was then asked for her response to accusations that she simply used her daughter's name and their biological connection for profit, to which she replied by making a point of mentioning her memoir coming out next Mother's Day, titled "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World."
If for only a moment, let’s forget about our political differences. Let’s set aside partisan social issues. Let’s leave behind our religious bickering. Let us – if for only one column – discuss a topic that causes no argument, encourages no disagreements, and inspires no revolutions.
Let’s talk about sex.
After politics and religion, nothing heats people up like sex. No pun intended. Well, pun intended, but intended to be more tongue in cheek. Well yes, a tongue in cheek, but not of the sexual nature. Ok, perhaps a punny, tongue in cheek comment like “nothing heats people up like sex” is meant to be sexual in nature, but not overtly, and rather meant for the punny, sexy, tonguey nature in which it was first implied and… thus one sees a demonstration of how sticky the topic of sex might be. Sticky? Sex? Also not a pun.
I quit.
People rarely win when discussing the topic of sex. It’s a difficult, awkward topic. Having conceded this point, I’ve already accepted the fact that no one will enjoy this column. I’m already taking great caution to avoid cutting off the Hydra head of Sex, for doing so will undoubtedly and exponentially sprout more heads. As soon as I cut off the Hydra head of Sex, I will then have to battle the three heads that grow in its place: Gay Marriage, Abortion and Wardrobe Malfunctions. We may give Hercules credit for defeating the Lernaean Hydra, but match him against the Topic of Sex and he won’t survive five minutes.
One of the primary reasons the topic of sex is more loaded than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah, is because of the way it is manipulated by those who lead the political and religious hemispheres. Despite employing different schemes by which to manipulate the very idea of sex, both politics and religion ultimately have an identical end game: to limit the when, where, and with whom sex may be enjoyed. Politics tells the public whom they can and cannot have sex with by passing laws and instituting programs, some of which work and some of which don’t. Religion attempts a similar feat by instilling fear and guilt into those whom it wishes to control. According to religion, if one is not-married, not-straight, or any other related not-variable, sex is not an option. The same goes for Catholic priests, the Junior Anti-Sex League, Morrissey, and Paula Poundstone
Just kidding about the Catholic priest part. Sex it up, you hooligans!
An article in the Salt Lake Tribune earlier this week addresses the awkwardness many people feel regarding sex, by pointing out that parents are having to approach the topic with their children at ages earlier than ever before. The article, “Let’s talk about sex,” mentions the importance of parents being honest with their children instead of skirting around the issue. Says Robie Harris, author of several acclaimed children’s books on sex, “If we answer in the most straightforward, matter-of-fact way … then we create a relationship and a dialogue with our children that continues.”
What is an adult to do though, when feeling constantly overwhelmed by questions about sex, and feeling bombarded by more sex bombs than a Tom Jones single featuring DJ Mousse T? While children have resources such as How You Were Born, A Kid’s First Book About Sex, and something called “their parents,” adults have considerably more resources. Despite the machinations and retrogressive ideologies of such people as Phyllis Schlafly – who actually moonlighted as Mrs. Garrett during seasons three and four of The Facts of Life – people who lack the answers to their questions on sex should seek out the education and services that meet their needs.
A group at the University of Utah, VOX, understands that confusion is the creamy chocolate shell covering the almond nugget of sex, and that college people tend to be more confused when it comes to sex than ordinary people. Vox, whose statewide website is found at www.students4choice.org, is associated with Utah Planned Parenthood and together provide birth control counseling and services, health exams and cancer screenings, pregnancy testing and counseling, sexually transmitted infection testing, community outreach, and many other services. Joseph Richards, Coordinator of Public Affairs for Planned Parenthood, said this of Vox: “Every college student deserves the right to know how to express their sexuality in a healthy manner.”
Discussing sex doesn’t have to be mired in trepidation. Searching for needed education doesn’t have to feel like a very special Blossom. The topic of sex may be a taboo and some may even attempt to control it through religion and politics, but that shouldn’t stop us from finding the answers many of us desperately need.
It might be true that ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately, ignorance also lacks the education it needed, and now has gonorrhea.
As British actor Michael Caine once said, "There are only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch."
To be fair, I don't know which I hate more: people who are intolerant of Michael Caine or the British.
There are several people whom I strongly dislike. There are the people at my bank who aren't empathetic to the fact that just because I wrote out a check today, doesn't mean I need it to go through today. There's my landlord who wants his rent on -- stop me if this sounds ridiculous -- a timely basis. And then there are the people in the Financial Aid office who hold more power over my financial aid than God holds over, well, anything.
These people make my life more difficult. These people do not have independent lives and goals and dreams -- their one aspiration is to make my life more difficult. I strongly dislike these people. Should I go as far as to say, however, that such people conjure in me feelings of actual hatred?
There's a noxious poison disseminating across America, surreptitiously entering society the same way a Chris-Hansen-phobe might infiltrate a home on To Catch A Ratings Bonanza During Sweeps Week. Hatred, which previously had been reserved for those who might have morally wronged us, is now being employed as a national pastime against those who are merely different from us. Political pundits are allowed to call Muslims "towel heads" and "terrorists" under the guise of "patriotism" and "eschewing any tolerance of non-Caucasians." The word "faggot" has been used by everyone from Ann Coulter and Jerry Lewis to Isaiah Washington and people with self-esteem envy. While society dictates that Michael Richards be castigated for his unpardonable sins, the same society waters down its rage over the Jena six with a Big Gulp of apathy.
Isn't hatred for minorities justified? After all, isn't it their fault they aren't Caucasian middle-class heterosexual Christians like the rest of us? Or at the very least, the always entertaining RuPaul?
Consider the fact that, in 2005, the FBI reported that of 3,919 violent incidents motivated by race, 2,630 of these attacks were against African-Americans, as opposed to the 828 attacks against Caucasians. Of the 1,017 violent incidents motivated by sexual orientation, 971 of the attacks were against homosexual men and women, while 21 of the attacks were against heterosexual men and women. It then makes sense why some people feel hate crime laws are unnecessary, as they claim that the protection of such people is "institutionalized discrimination" and "special protection."
Of course. Who doesn't consider "not having the crap beat out of you" to be a "special protection"?
While overt hatred towards racial and sexual minorities is still rampant in some parts of society, a less understood and infrequently mentioned hatred is one of which I am guilty. I hate particular political figures and, specifically, particular political parties. While I hesitate to label myself as a Republican, Independent or Democrat (although considering the stances I take on most issues, it's clear that I prefer any political party that employs an ass as its mascot), I often find myself in that group of people that applauds the gaffes of George W. Bush and celebrate the faux pas of his conservative contemporaries. Am I any better? Can I hypocritically accuse fellow writers of being un-American for claiming that Democrats hate America, while I myself hate the very people that make such incorrect claims?
A popular radio program hosted by Ira Glass, "This American Life," recently featured the story of Sam Slaven, an Iraq War veteran who returned with strong feelings of hate and anger toward Muslims. To counter the feelings of hatred that resulted from his post-traumatic stress disorder, he took the brave step of joining the Muslim Student Association at his university, ultimately forming a life-changing friendship with a Muslim student. His story invites the interesting question: What if we were to actually communicate with those whom we supposedly hate? If we have an aversion to guns, perhaps, it might benefit us to attend the NRA. If we dislike gay people, perhaps we might learn more by attending a gay organization. If we don't understand Muslims, perhaps we might join a Muslim student group. If we aren't fond of President Bush, perhaps we might converse with most of Utah.
Hatred for blacks, Republicans, Muslims, gays, Democrats, Indians, women, Republicans, Mormons, lesbians and many others is alive and well. Just because hatred for something or someone exists doesn't mean it will go away -- look at Neil Diamond. That doesn't mean, however, that we can't eradicate such hatred by simply communicating with others. To consider ourselves American is to recognize that the American Dream applies to everyone -- therefore hatred is un-American.
If we have nothing to fear, we have no one to hate. As William Shakespeare once wrote, "In time we hate that which we often fear."
I really hope he wasn't British.
Poor Rudy Giuliani. Can't a presidential candidate guy ever catch a break?
I read this morning on Slate.com that the Facebook profile for Giuliani's daughter, Caroline, shows her supporting Not Her Father for president - a candidate also known as Barack Obama.
I have to admit, I feel rather embarrassed for Giuliani (Giuliani the candidate, not Giuliani the candidate-hater). The "I hate my father" theme has been rather popular lately - epitomized in The Simpsons Movie for example, when Bart decides that his neighbor Flanders may take his fathering responsibilities more seriously than Bart's own father, Homer.
What is a bad father to do? While personal laziness prevents me from finding more than two examples of modern culture's awful fathers, I do have to ask: why is society treating these poor, innocent fathers the same way - what's a good metaphor I can use - an unattached, estranged father would treat his own children?
Rudy Giuliani, George Bush Sr., Homer Simpson - I'm sure they have good intentions. Can't they catch a break once in awhile? It's one thing to to accuse a politician of being Beelzebub himself, but it's quite another to accuse Beelzebub's daughter of voting for someone else or simply looking ugly (even if mid-nineties Chelsea Clinton did look like like a feminized trash bag with hair extensions).
Sure, I will vote for my left testicle long before I even imagining voting for Giuliani. And yes, I believe Giuliani is a war-mongering opportunistic hypocrite who puts his personal ambitions before his vauge sense of morals.
But accusing Giuliani of being a poor father? Now that's low.
Cheer up, all you awful fathers out there! Just in time for Father's Day are FATHER'S DAY CARDS! Sure, they may be 2 months late - but I'll start sending your Father's Day cards on time once you start sending my child support on time!
Cards courtesy of peopleworsethanus.blogspot.com:
Yesterday I went to a family wedding dinner. After this dinner, someone apparently decided it would be 'fun' and 'not boring' to play the Newlywed Game. Bullshattuck hates the Newlywed Game - but decided to participate anyway.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the game ended up lasting much longer than it should have, for it turned out that the questions to this Newlywed Game were written by teenage girls who happened to be as creative as writers for The King of Queens.
Bullshattuck understands that thousands - if not dozens - of people get married everyday. But aren't these people tired of the same boring questions newlyweds always get asked?
For that reason, Bullshattuck is providing, free of charge, the:
BULLSHATTUCK NEWLYWED GAME QUESTIONAIRRE
ONE
If the sex life with your fiancee was a Stephen King novel, would it be:
a.) Insomnia
b.) Misery
c.) Bag of Bones
d.) Probably anything by the 'King of Horror' should cover it
TWO
I know that my fiancee's ideal romantic date would be:
a.) sailing in Cuba's Bay of Pigs in the 60's
b.) a japanese picnic in the country, as long as it doesn't include persimmon, sake, and her transparent lies (I'm allergic to all three)
c.) vicodin
d.) with anyone who happens to not be me
THREE
I remind my fiancee of:
a.) Ted Turner
b.) Ted Koppel
c.) Ted Williams
d.) Satan (whose middle name happens to be Ted)
FOUR
The first time my fiancee and I ever kissed was:
a.) in front of several schoolchildren, right before being arrested
b.) when I thought I was administering CPR to a homeless man choking in a restaurant
c.) when I also discovered what would later become a record-breaking gag reflex
d.) while I still thought he was a wealthy architect from Paris, and not actually an unemployed alcoholic from Des Moines
According to a recent CNN article, the current U.S. divorce rate is at its lowest point since 1970.
CONGRATULATIONS, TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE!! Break out the bubbly! You did it!
You're currently at your lowest divorce rate in over 30 years!
Sure, you may be at your lowest divorce rate in decades because there are less married people to even get divorced... but why split hairs?
Sure, relationships are as unstable as ever... but who needs to get into the gritty details?
Sure, the actual ARTICLE about divorce paints a much bleaker picture for 'marriage,' but as long as you only read the HEADLINE of the article... everyone wins!
(Pay no attention to the actual article or facts behind the curtain.)
-bullshattuck
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