Bullshattuck

November 30th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

DAREDEVIL

America's daredevil, Evel Knievel, died today at the age of 69. The famous daredevil and stunt man - who gained infamy during the 1970's for jumping his motorcycle over everything from Greyhound buses to the fountains at Caesar's Palace - died from complication related to diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis. Known as "America's Legendary Daredevil," he was known around the world for his spectacular stunts and his red, white and blue-spangled jumpsuit.

In honor of his memory, his coffin will be shot out of a cannon and through a hoop of fire.

-bullshattuck

November 6th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

OSMONDS

It was recently announced by Entertainment Tonight on their website that George Osmond, father of professional superstar celebrities Donny and Marie Osmond (no relation, aside from the sibling thing), had passed away at the age of 90.

Upon hearing the news of his father's death, superstar Donny Osmond reacted with the poise and composure that one might expect from an individual who had recently lost their 90-year old father.

The reaction of superstar Marie Osmond however, was with the same dignity and grace that one might expect from Marie Osmond:

-bullshattuck

August 12th - Whats New(s) with Bullshattuck

RETIRED

Merv Griffin, the mastermind behind the game shows 'Jeopardy' and 'Wheel of Fortune' died today at the age of 82. Griffin, who passed away from prostate cancer, had a long illustrious career ranging from radio singer and television producer to real estate developer and talk show host. His most popular game shows, 'Jeopardy' and 'Wheel of Fortune,' have each been on the air for more than two decades and have since become a staple of television pop culture. Millions of retirees the world over have come to depend on tuning in to 'Wheel of Fortune' at 7:00, followed by 'Jeopardy' at 7:30, weekdays.

In honor of Griffin's lifelong dedication to television, it was recently announced by the White House that the time currently known as "seven o' clock" will officially be renamed "Merv Griffin o' clock," weekdays.

-bullshattuck

Bullshattuck Overhears a Conversation Between Jack Kevorkian and Robert Byrd

JACKIE:
Hello?

BOBBY:
Hi Jackie, it's me. Bob.

JACKIE:
Bob?

BOBBY:
Oh c'mon, Robert Byrd.

JACKIE:
Oh right, Bobby Byrd. How are you, you old coot. Are you still alive?

BOBBY:
...yeah.

JACKIE:
That's cool.

BOBBY:
So hey, I heard you're scheduled to leave prison on Friday.

JACKIE:
Yeah, it's been a long eight years. You're still the oldest senator in U.S. history, right?

BOBBY:
...yep.

JACKIE:
Ever?

BOBBY:
Dammit, yes.

JACKIE:
Wow.

BOBBY:
So hey, Jackie?

JACKIE:
Yeah?

BOBBY:
Now that you're out of prison, can I ask you for a favor?

May 15th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

LUCIFER:

The BBC reported today that notorious U.S. conservative evangelist Reverend Jerry Falwell died today at the age of 73 in Lynchburg, Virginia. Fallwell, was remembered for his many controversial comments, especially against those he felt were responsible for the 9/11 attacks:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Falwell was found unconscience in his office at Liberty University this morning, and was later taken to the hospital. In an ironic twist of fate, those who found him in his office immediately gave him CPR, and were later discovered to be pagans, abortionists, and feminists, while the doctors attempting to save his life turned out to be gays, lesbians, and the ACLU.

-bullshattuck

Bullshattuck is Dying for a Pizza

Not many people know this, but apparently the Make-A-Wish Foundation now grants 'wishes' to people dying from leukemia, cancer, and from lethal injections on death row.

Phillip Workman, a Tennessee death row inmate, was put to death yesterday for the shooting and killing of Memphis Police Lt. Ronald Oliver. For his last meal, he requested that instead of eating anything himself, he instead wished that a vegetarian pizza be delivered to a homeless person. After prison officials refused to do so, saying they don't donate to charity, people across the Nashville area and beyond decided to donate the pizzas to homeless shelters themselves - over 150 vegetarian pizzas - all in the name of the death row inmate.

People and organizations from all over - including the president of PETA and a Minneapolis radio station - ended up donating over $1,200 worth of vegetarian pizzas to many different shelters. Commented Ingrid Newkirk, the president of PETA, "Workman's act was selfless, and kindness to all living beings is a virtue."

While Bullshattuck certainly applauds anyone who donates $1,200 worth of food to homeless shelters, one must ask - would these people normally have donated the food, had Workman not been denied his last request, or not have been on death row?

Were these individuals:

*inspired by Jesus Christ?

*inspired by Mahatma Ghandi?

*inspired by Martin Luther King?

*inspired by Mother Teresa?

Nope. They donated the vegetarian pizzas to homeless shelters because they were inspired by a guy who killed a cop several years ago while robbing a Wendy's.

But hey - at least no animals were killed for the pizzas.

April 24th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

YELTSIN:

The day following the death of former Russian President Boris Yeltsin, the makers of Smirnoff, Finlandia, Ketel One, Stolichnaya, Absolut, Skyy, and Three Olives all announced that they will be filing for bankruptcy by the end of this week.

Although all companies have refused to give a reason for such a decision, an executive for Stolichnaya was overheard saying something about “the late 90’s were better days.”

-bullshattuck

April 18th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

MASSACRE:

(**cue the “Massacre at Virginia Tech” graphic**)

It was reported that 172 people, including women and children, were killed in a series of bombings today in Iraq, making it one of the bloodiest days since the US troops increased their numbers.

Do you think Diane Sawyer is going to ‘exclusively’ interview the dorm roommates of the 172 people that were killed?

Do you think Brian Williams is going to broadcast live from the campus in Baghdad, where the 172 people were killed?

Do you think CNN is going to loop footage all day long, from a student’s cell phone camera of the 172 who were killed?

Do you think that 172 people killed in Iraq is the same ratings boost bonanza for the media, that is 33 people killed in Virginia?

(**fade out the “Massacre at Virginia Tech” graphic**)


-bullshattuck

april 13th - whats new(s) with bullshattuck

Kurt Vonnegut, the iconic author of such books as Slaughterhouse-Five, Cat’s Cradle, and Breakfast of Champions, died two days ago at the age of 84.

Vonnegut, whose many works are today considered required reading in high school and college courses, also served as the Honorary President of the American Humanist Association, and was a lifetime member of the American Civil Liberties Union.

Sadly however, he will best be remembered for the non-stop coverage that CNN and Fox News gave him after his death from a drug overdose in the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, for the delay in his burial in the Bahamas due to a delayed autopsy, and for the controversy considering the father of his infant daughter.

-bullshattuck