Bullshattuck

Til the End of Time

So Hillary Clinton took Indiana in the primaries last night. Big deal. As everyone knows, she plans on staying in the race for a very long time. Not until June. Not until the convention. But forever. Hillary Clinton is going to stay in the race forever.

Will she go down in history as the first president to be female? No. She will go down in history as the first presidential candidate to achieve immortality.

Like everyone else under the age of – let’s be honest – 93, I’m pretty burned out by this entire race. Several months ago, I would have enjoyed watching the primary returns on CNN. Last night however, instead of watching the returns for Indiana and North Carolina, I thought I would have a movie marathon instead. I just need to do something that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever. A movie marathon should get my mind off this never ending race!

The following is a list of some of the movies I ended up watching, trying to get my mind off the race and Hillary Clinton in particular:

• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the 2003 movie about a cyborg who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Interview with a Vampire, the 1994 movie about a vampire who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Nightmare on Elm Street, the 1984 movie about a serial killer who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• I then decided to take a break and play my favorite computer game, Wherein the World is Carmen Sandiego?, a game about an international thief who just can’t seem to die or go away.

Dammit. Mission not accomplished.

B-Movie? More Like GLBT-Movie

(This column was published in the
March 27th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake. Ironically, I was recently invited just this last week to join the committee that chooses the films for Gay Movie Night at the Tower Theatre. Go figure. I'm going to suggest Mommie Dearest every single time! Either that, or A Night at the Roxbury, which not many people realize is also a gay film.)

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There are many things in life that naturally complement each other. These partnerships harmonize so well, that they are instantly recognizable to nearly anyone. Such examples include:

Peanut butter and jelly.

Stewart and Colbert.

Gin and tonic.

John and Yoko.

Ann Coulter and Last Halloween’s Most Popular Tranny Costume

A reader may notice that “gay movies” and “really really good” aren’t on this list. This isn’t an oversight.

I’m not a film snob, which is solidified by the fact that I own such critically-acclaimed luminaries as Mona Lisa Smile and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. I clearly am in no position to criticize the movie-viewing habits of others, and not just because I once listed Patch Adams in an online profile as one of my favorite movies. This having been said, I abhor most gay movies. I hate most gay movies with the same passion usually employed by Nazis towards Jews or by President Bush towards reading. I’ve seen gay movies at both the Sundance and Tampa film festivals, have watched countless gay movies at homes of friends, and have viewed hundreds – if not tens – of hours of gay movies during my lifetime. Of all the gay films I’ve seen during my gay life, there was maybe one minute in Adam and Steve that I actually enjoyed. Had the rest of the movie been like this one minute, I most likely would have enjoyed the movie – regardless of the fact that this one enjoyable minute occurred during the closing credits.

While I do believe films such as Brokeback Mountain and Angels in America deserve every cinematic accolade that has come their way, I also believe that most gay films are little more than a porn wrapped in an implausible and boring plot, peppered with stereotypes. Of the one or two or seven dozen gay movies I’ve seen over the years, most of these movies have consisted of a plot thinner than Nicole Richie during Spring Break, a plot that has served little more purpose than acting as the vehicle to the next sex scene. Considering how busy gay men are in these modern times, it only makes sense though that such a composition would be utilized in most gay films. Gay men enjoy watching movies… gay men enjoy watching porn… why not combine the two? After a long days work, who has time to watch both a thought-provoking feature length film AND a hot porn depicting sex between men? Thank you, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds. You just saved me an extra hour in my day.

I realize that there aren’t many who share this opinion. I’d like to believe though that at least some gay men are just as frustrated. Sure, many consider watching films such as East Side Story to be a good way to spend an evening. Nevertheless, many other gay men like myself understand that such films do not accurately portray reality, as not all of us devote 90% of every thought or every conversation or every Google search or every handjob to sex. For many of us, we happen to lead rather average lives, with the only difference between our straight counterparts and ourselves being that we happen to date the same sex. Is there a movie for people such as us? Where’s the action adventure movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the comedy, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the horror movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the sci-fi movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the movie starring Gael Garcia Bernal, where he only happens to be gay – and then later falls in love with Ryan Shattuck? Yes, we’ve covered the ‘gay romantic’ bases, the ‘travails of dating in the gay world bases,’ and the ‘127 versions of having gay sex’ bases. Perhaps it’s time for gay filmmakers to venture out into the unknown non-sex, non-dating gay territory.

Might I suggest they use protection.

Some gay movies I genuinely find both entertaining and worthwhile, such as The Birdcage. What makes a film such as The Birdcage appeal to a wide variety of audiences – despite the plot centering on a gay couple and men who dress in drag – is its relatable themes of family. Not everyone has had to deal with a parent dressing in drag, but a large cross-section of America has dealt with having to meet their in-laws and being embarrassed by their parents. I feel comfortable in watching The Birdcage with my open-minded mother and father, but I don’t feel comfortable in watching Trick with my open-minded brother and sister. With many gay films continuing to perpetuate the stereotype that the one and only priority in a gay man’s life is dating and sex, it’s no wonder why a mainstream movie with a gay protagonist continues to be a rarity (aside from 1997’s Batman and Robin). In the year 2008, gay men now come from all walks of life and have more on their mind than just sex. Maybe it’s time that our movies reflect this fact.

For those gay filmmakers looking for a male lead, might I suggest Ann Coulter.

Bullshattuck Returns: Part Two: The Sequel

Now that we've survived the Memorial Day Weekend and are now in June, we've officially arrived to Summer Movie Season.

Feeling overwhelmed? Not sure how to navigate this summer's inordinate mass of sequels and trilogies?

You need...

THE 2007 BULLSHATTUCK GUIDE TO SUMMER SEQUELS & TRILOGIES & FOURSOMES:

(feel free to clip & save!)

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MAY 4TH:
Spider-Man "3"
A once popular man-in-charge from New York City becomes corrupted after receiving power from an attack by a foreign source, all the while dealing with his many enemies to become an even more popular man-in-charge. But enough about Rudy Giulani.

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MAY 11TH:
28 weeks "2"
A movie that chronicles Lindsay Lohan as she prepares to leave rehab.

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MAY 18TH:
Shrek "3"
The problem with Shriek is... oh, I'm sorry. Did I spell it 'Shriek' and not 'Shrek?' I really do apologize. My intention was to spell the title of the movie, and not what I really wanted to do after hearing yet another fart joke.

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MAY 25TH:
The Pirates of the Caribbean "3"
There's always at least that one summer movie that, in order to understand the plot, one needs both access to both Google Maps and a Bachelor's degree. On the bright side, this year's more-convoluted-than-entertaining-summer-movie has pirates!

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JUN. 8TH:
Ocean's Eleven "3"
You have to admit, the title 'Ocean's Thirteen' does roll off the tongue better than what the studios originally wanted to call the movie: 'Ocean's Three Main Actors Plus a Few Other Guys Who We'll Maybe Give a Few Lines of Dialogue if They Hurry Up On My Coffee'. Starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, and a Few Other Guys.

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JUN. 8TH:
Hostel "2"
Inspired by the true story of Guantánamo Bay.

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JUN. 15TH:
Fantastic Four "2"
The 'Rise of the Silver Surfer' - Rise? Silver-Haired? Surfer? Is this a superhero movie? Or a Viagra commercial about an elderly man demonstrating his potency, both on and off the surfboard?

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JUN. 22ND:
Bruce Almighty "2"
Remember when they claimed several years ago to have found the remnants of Noah's ark? This is the documentary of that finding. Or in other words, yet another sequel of a Jim Carrey movie, starring Not Jim Carrey.

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JUN. 27TH:
Die Hard "4"
Just double checking - is 'Die Hard' the name of the fourth installment in this film series, or advice that I wish Bruce Willis would take seriously?

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JUL. 13TH:
Harry Potter "5"
The fifth part in the Harry Potter movie series, essentially serving as a visual CliffsNotes for a book that was written in order to encourage children to become inspired to read. Perhaps Harry Potter fans shouldn't be as worried about Lord Voldemort as they should be about the irony here; the irony in watching the Harry Potter movies instead of reading the Harry Potter books.

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AUG. 3RD:
The Bourne Identity "3"
A movie about a guy who... um... well, works for... uh... is being chased by... the... someone bad... and then... loses his memory because... dammit. You know, three movies later, and still the only thing I can tell you about this trilogy is that Matt Damon is in it.

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AUG. 8TH:
Daddy Day Care "2"
Do you remember that at the end of the original 'Daddy Day Care' you were left on the edge of your seat, wondering "yeah... but what's going to happen next?" Yeah, neither did the original director. Or anyone else for that matter, who isn't Fred Savage.

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AUG. 10TH:
Rush Hour "3"
How do I know that studio executives aren't even trying anymore with this tired trilogy? Word has it that the third installment simply follows Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan for 1 1/2 hours as they sit in Los Angeles traffic during rush hour.

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AUG. 24TH:
Mr. Bean "2"
The misadventures of Alan Kligerman, the founder of Beano. In other words, a children's movie.

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