B-Movie? More Like GLBT-Movie

(This column was published in the
March 27th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake. Ironically, I was recently invited just this last week to join the committee that chooses the films for Gay Movie Night at the Tower Theatre. Go figure. I'm going to suggest Mommie Dearest every single time! Either that, or A Night at the Roxbury, which not many people realize is also a gay film.)

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There are many things in life that naturally complement each other. These partnerships harmonize so well, that they are instantly recognizable to nearly anyone. Such examples include:

Peanut butter and jelly.

Stewart and Colbert.

Gin and tonic.

John and Yoko.

Ann Coulter and Last Halloween’s Most Popular Tranny Costume

A reader may notice that “gay movies” and “really really good” aren’t on this list. This isn’t an oversight.

I’m not a film snob, which is solidified by the fact that I own such critically-acclaimed luminaries as Mona Lisa Smile and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. I clearly am in no position to criticize the movie-viewing habits of others, and not just because I once listed Patch Adams in an online profile as one of my favorite movies. This having been said, I abhor most gay movies. I hate most gay movies with the same passion usually employed by Nazis towards Jews or by President Bush towards reading. I’ve seen gay movies at both the Sundance and Tampa film festivals, have watched countless gay movies at homes of friends, and have viewed hundreds – if not tens – of hours of gay movies during my lifetime. Of all the gay films I’ve seen during my gay life, there was maybe one minute in Adam and Steve that I actually enjoyed. Had the rest of the movie been like this one minute, I most likely would have enjoyed the movie – regardless of the fact that this one enjoyable minute occurred during the closing credits.

While I do believe films such as Brokeback Mountain and Angels in America deserve every cinematic accolade that has come their way, I also believe that most gay films are little more than a porn wrapped in an implausible and boring plot, peppered with stereotypes. Of the one or two or seven dozen gay movies I’ve seen over the years, most of these movies have consisted of a plot thinner than Nicole Richie during Spring Break, a plot that has served little more purpose than acting as the vehicle to the next sex scene. Considering how busy gay men are in these modern times, it only makes sense though that such a composition would be utilized in most gay films. Gay men enjoy watching movies… gay men enjoy watching porn… why not combine the two? After a long days work, who has time to watch both a thought-provoking feature length film AND a hot porn depicting sex between men? Thank you, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds. You just saved me an extra hour in my day.

I realize that there aren’t many who share this opinion. I’d like to believe though that at least some gay men are just as frustrated. Sure, many consider watching films such as East Side Story to be a good way to spend an evening. Nevertheless, many other gay men like myself understand that such films do not accurately portray reality, as not all of us devote 90% of every thought or every conversation or every Google search or every handjob to sex. For many of us, we happen to lead rather average lives, with the only difference between our straight counterparts and ourselves being that we happen to date the same sex. Is there a movie for people such as us? Where’s the action adventure movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the comedy, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the horror movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the sci-fi movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the movie starring Gael Garcia Bernal, where he only happens to be gay – and then later falls in love with Ryan Shattuck? Yes, we’ve covered the ‘gay romantic’ bases, the ‘travails of dating in the gay world bases,’ and the ‘127 versions of having gay sex’ bases. Perhaps it’s time for gay filmmakers to venture out into the unknown non-sex, non-dating gay territory.

Might I suggest they use protection.

Some gay movies I genuinely find both entertaining and worthwhile, such as The Birdcage. What makes a film such as The Birdcage appeal to a wide variety of audiences – despite the plot centering on a gay couple and men who dress in drag – is its relatable themes of family. Not everyone has had to deal with a parent dressing in drag, but a large cross-section of America has dealt with having to meet their in-laws and being embarrassed by their parents. I feel comfortable in watching The Birdcage with my open-minded mother and father, but I don’t feel comfortable in watching Trick with my open-minded brother and sister. With many gay films continuing to perpetuate the stereotype that the one and only priority in a gay man’s life is dating and sex, it’s no wonder why a mainstream movie with a gay protagonist continues to be a rarity (aside from 1997’s Batman and Robin). In the year 2008, gay men now come from all walks of life and have more on their mind than just sex. Maybe it’s time that our movies reflect this fact.

For those gay filmmakers looking for a male lead, might I suggest Ann Coulter.

Comments

[Molly]

Wow! Awesome article, Ryan!

[Molly]

Wow! Awesome article, Ryan!