Bullshattuck

Take a Bite Out of Hate Crime

(This article was published in the
January 31st, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake)

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As British actor Michael Caine once said, “There are only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.”

To be fair, I don’t know which I hate more: people who are intolerant of Michael Caine, or the British.

There are several people whom I strongly dislike. There are the people at my bank who aren’t empathetic to the fact that just because I wrote out a check today, doesn’t mean I need it to go through today. There’s my landlord who wants his rent on – stop me if this sounds ridiculous – a timely basis. And then there are people whom I dislike simply because they hold more power than God holds over, well, anything. Donald Trump, I’m talking to you.

These people make my life more difficult. These people do not have independent lives and goals and dreams – their one aspiration is to make my life more difficult. I strongly dislike these people. Should I go as far as to say however, that such people conjure in me feelings of actual hatred?

There’s a noxious poison disseminating across America, surreptitiously entering society the same way a Chris-Hansen-phobe might infiltrate a home on To Catch a Ratings Bonanza During Sweeps Week. Hatred, which previously had been reserved for those who may have morally wronged us, is now being employed as a national past time against those who are merely different from us. Political pundits are allowed to call Muslims ‘towel heads’ and ‘terrorists,’ under the guise of ‘patriotism’ and ‘eschewing any tolerance of non-Caucasians.’ The word ‘faggot’ has been directed at us by everyone from Ann Coulter and Jerry Lewis to Isaiah Washington and people with ‘self-esteem’ envy.

Isn’t hatred for minorities justified? After all, isn’t it their fault they aren’t a white middle-class heterosexual Christian like the rest of us? Or at the very least, the always entertaining RuPaul?

Consider the fact that in 2005, the FBI reported that of 3,919 violent incidents motivated by race, 2,630 of these attacks were against African-Americans, as opposed to the 828 attacks against Caucasians. Of the 1,017 violent incidents motivated by sexual orientation, 971 of the attacks were against homosexual men and women, while 21 of the attacks were against heterosexual men and women. It makes sense then why some people feel Hate Crime Laws are unnecessary, as they claim that the protection of such people is “institutionalized discrimination” and “special protection.”

Of course. Who doesn’t consider “not having the crap beat out of you” to be a “special protection?”

While overt hatred towards racial and sexual minorities is still rampant in some parts of society, a less understood and infrequently mentioned hatred is one of which I am guilty. I hate particular political figures and specifically, particular political parties. While I hesitate to label myself as a Republican, Independent or a Democrat (although considering the stances I take on most issues, it’s clear that I prefer any political party that employs an ass as its mascot), I often find myself in that group of people who applaud the gaffes of George Bush and celebrate the faux pas of his conservative contemporaries. Am I any better? Can I hypocritically accuse fellow writers of being un-American for claiming that Democrats hate America, while I myself hate the very people that make such incorrect claims?

A popular radio program hosted by Ira Glass, This American Life, recently featured the story of Sam Slaven, an Iraq War veteran who returned from the Iraq War with strong feelings of hate and anger towards Muslims. To counter the feelings of hatred that had resulted from his having post-traumatic stress disorder, he took the brave step of joining the Muslim Student Association at his university, ultimately forming a life-changing friendship with a Muslim student. His story invites the interesting question: What if we were to actually communicate with those whom we supposedly hate? If we have an aversion to guns, perhaps it might benefit us to attend the NRA; if we dislike gay people, perhaps we might learn more by attending a gay organization; if we don’t understand Muslims, perhaps we might join a Muslim student group; if we aren’t fond of President Bush, perhaps we might converse with most of Utah.

Hatred for Blacks, Republicans, Muslims, Gays, Democrats, Indians, Women, Republicans, Mormons, Lesbians, and many other people is alive and well. Just because hatred for something or someone exists doesn’t mean it will go away – look at Neil Diamond. That doesn’t mean however, that we can’t eradicate such hatred by simply communicating with others. For us to consider ourselves American is to recognize that the American Dream applies to everyone; hatred therefore is un-American.

If we have nothing to fear, we have no one to hate. As William Shakespeare once said, “In time we hate that which we often fear.”

I really hope he wasn’t British.

Working Hard? Or Hardly Working? Or Drunk by 11:30 in the Morning?

Drunk Homeless Guy and I crossed each other's paths on our way to
work, as seen in this picture I took.

But What if I Don't Like the Super Bowl?

(This article was published in the
January 29th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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The meek may inherit the earth – but we’ll still never have our own national holiday.

I don’t consider myself that different from the average American. I’m a Caucasian, middle class, twenty-something college student – labels that don’t necessarily catapult me out of the normal demographic. I vote, pay taxes, hold down two jobs, own a dog, and fall just slightly left of the American dream. I’m only an inch shorter than the average American male, and aside from a few small quirks which differentiate me from some (I was a vegetarian for a year, I’m gay, I listen to NPR, and I used to be Mormon), I consider myself to be a relatively normal, average American.

Oh, except I don’t understand football – so never mind.

Now before I say anything else about football, I will admit that I am careful where I tread with such a topic. I’ve come to realize that denigrating football is more sacrilegious than making fun of a Virgin Mary (unless that virgin Mary happens to be overweight, 16-years old, and on the colorguard – in which case it’s funny). America has a love affair with their football, and more specifically, with their Super Bowl. Nearly 90 million of us can’t get enough of the TV-watching, pizza-eating, couch-seating, Janet Jackson’s nipple-spying phenomenon. During Super Bowl Sunday, one in eight Americans order takeout, and approximately 8 million pounds of guacamole, 20 million pounds of potato and tortilla chips, and over 4,000 tons of popcorn are eaten during the game. This smorgasbord results in nothing less than the second largest day of food consumption of the year, only behind Thanksgiving. On an unrelated note, antacid goes up 20% the Monday after the Super Bowl.

As further proof of the irrefutable and scientific fact that the Super Bowl is more important than Christmas, Easter, Independence Day, a spouse’s birthday, or – let’s be honest – even one’s spouse, Pete Rozelle, the man responsible for giving birth to the Super Bowl (I’m hoping it was a caesarean), was once listed by Time Magazine as one of the “top 100 most influential people” of the 20th century. Let that fact swish around the brain for a minute. The top 100 most influential people of the 20th century include Martin Luther King Jr. Albert Einstein. Rosa Parks. Bill Gates. Winston Churchill. And the guy who came up with the Super Bowl.

To be fair, Pete Rozelle may not have been a civil rights pioneer – but Martin Luther King Day never gives people an excuse to each nachos in front of the television for five hours.

Like a Jew during Christmas or Paula Poundstone during Valentines Day, what is a non-football fan like myself to do during the de facto holiday that is Super Bowl Sunday? While I find comfort in knowing that two out of every five people who watch the Super Bowl supposedly aren’t football fans, I still find myself feeling hopelessly lost in the labyrinth that is the Super Bowl. Why do we cheer when nothing happens? Why is this game measured in yards? How is that ad possibly worth $2.6 million dollars? What exactly is a wardrobe malfunction anyway? Why do those animated frogs inspire me to drink beer? Did I just fall asleep again? What do you mean if I don’t stop asking questions, you’re going kick me out of your Super Bowl party?

While not everyone understands football, most people understand the cultural significance of the Super Bowl Holiday. The lowest weekend for weddings is during the Super Bowl. Since 2000, the Super Bowl has made up eight of the top ten network television telecasts. More people watched the Super Bowl in 2004 than voted for President Bush. While Pete Rozelle may not have affected politics, science, religion or medicine, he’s clearly impacted our culture in ways in which very few people in history ever will. With an event as monumental as the Super Bowl, is it any wonder that those who don’t watch the game might feel as if they were a minority?

I have a tendency of being stubborn and immoveable when it comes to my opinions. Nevertheless, I can concede that it might be worth my while to watch the Super Bowl, because although I’m in the minority I also figure that 90 million people can’t be wrong. If anything, I no longer want to be thought of as Dr. Strange American, when I can Learn to Stop Worrying and Love the Super Bowl. I’ll sit back, have some nachos, and think to myself during a Budweiser commercial, “the majority of Americans may love the Super Bowl, but at least the meek will inherit the earth.”

And when we do, we’re going to make everyone play golf.

Have You Seen Kevin Bacon's MySpace Page?

(This article was published in the
January 22nd, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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I miss old school, laissez-faire pop culture. When everything wasn’t so complicated. When pop-culture wasn’t owned by just one giant entity.

When everyone was separated from Kevin Bacon in just seven easy steps.

As it turns out, only six degrees of separation connect me to Kevin Bacon. I’m related to Mark Shattuck who worked on the film Mad City which starred John Travolta who starred in the movie Face/Off with Nicolas Cage who starred in the movie Adaptation with Meryl Streep who starred in the movie The River Wild with Kevin Bacon who attempted to re-invent his career by growing out his hair and starring in Hanes commercials.

See? Six easy degrees of separation. So few steps, I could fit them on a t-shirt.

In the year 2008 however, I belong to MySpace and Facebook. I’m now connected to well over 87 billion people, give or take a few dozen. It’s quite overwhelming to consider. I’m no longer connected to Kevin Bacon – that center of the pop culture universe – by six easy steps. I’m now connected to him by at least half a million online friends. Try fitting that on a t-shirt.

MySpace, Facebook, and other social networking sites have unquestionably redefined pop culture. It would be naïve to say otherwise. MySpace is referenced by comics on late night TV. I’ve had more than one presidential candidate request to add me as their Facebook friend. Hot Topic has sold shirts with clever commentary such as ‘Your Mom Is In My Top Eight’ and ‘You Looked Better On MySpace.’

Regardless of whether we like it or not, MySpace the Behemoth and Facebook the Colossus are here to stay. There’s no way around it. When an online social network of approximately 220,186,259 users grows exponentially on a daily basis, it isn’t likely to simply disappear. Entities that large have too much staying power to crumble and fall apart (the exceptions of course, being Enron, the Roman Empire, and the 1980’s).

Beware of the iPod – hearing loss is imminent! Beware of cell phones – they’re known to give cancer! As with anything enjoyed by a large mass of people, social networking sites have come under heavy criticism in the past year. Beware of MySpace – the site exudes lowers family values, and people have been known to contact an STD simply by visiting! Stay clear of Facebook, as founder Mark Zuckerberg has been known to write code called “Beacon” that manipulates users into buying unwanted crap!

A common criticism launched at social networking sites is the proliferation of ‘immoral’ people online. While undoubtedly true, it must be pointed out that child molesters, murders, robbers, perverts and rapists have been molesting, murdering, robbing, perverting and raping long before social networking sites ever came about. Nevertheless, it is true that MySpace, Facebook and others are simply another tool in the How To Be A Creep arsenal. Such creeps have simply moved from giving candy to children on the playground to looking for them online.

The actuality of child molesters on social networking sites certainly doesn’t negate the fact that we need to be careful. Perhaps that is the smartest thing that one can do – simply be careful when being online. While MySpace recently announced stricter security measures – a step in the right direction – it might also make more sense for parents who are concerned with MySpace to instead monitor where their child visits online. Most parents wouldn’t send their child to the playground alone late at night – is there much difference any allowing a child to use a social networking site alone, late at night?

I’ll be the first to concede that many social networking sites are inappropriate. It truly depends however on the individual. Like any form of media, a person will find that which they wish to find. Through Facebook I’ve found a large number of old friends from school and work and am able to stay in touch with them in ways that normally wouldn’t be possible. If one is smart enough to be discriminating in using other forms of media, then one shouldn’t have many problems in avoiding that which one doesn’t wish to see.

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Social networking sites aren’t perfect, meant for everyone, or contain the majesty of a unicorn. They don’t solve world problems, aren’t magical, and most don’t feed the homeless. Like any form of media however, they entirely depend on the people who use it. They don’t destroy civilization; they are simply websites that should be used by responsible individuals.

Whether we like it or not, social networking sites are here to stay.

Unfortunately, so is Kevin Bacon.

Technology: The New Drug

(This article was published in the
January 11th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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Hello. My name is Ryan Shattuck. And I’m a technophile.

Now I recognize that I should probably use caution when using the suffix “phile;” several years ago, a person claiming to be a ‘technophile’ would have simply meant that one loved technology. Today, claiming to be a ‘technophile’ simply sounds uncouth – and would probably prevent a person from working with children.

Inappropriate argots aside, I still consider myself a technophile, as I’ve always followed technology very closely. I’m fascinated with neat gadgets and outrageous gizmos and awesome technology and basically any hyperbole stolen from the 80’s. While I realize this obsession isn’t necessarily healthy, my fixation could always be worse – at least I’m not addicted to drugs. Then again, is having a drug problem that much worse than being ‘addicted’ to technology? Sure, buying the newest cell phone or the newest iPod won’t leave one’s arms with track marks – but at the same time, being addicted to heroine or cocaine means one doesn’t need to buy the newest upgrade.

January is tech month. This week saw the International Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Next week sees Apple, Inc.’s annual MacWorld conference in San Francisco. In both conventions, technological giants announce what will become this year’s newest products, the most advanced upgrades, and the most state-of-the-art way to go into debt (but it has a touch screen!). Last year Apple announced the iPhone; this year technology blogs predict Apple will announce either an iPod that turns a listener invisible, or a cell phone which helps the caller find Jesus (using GPS). While I wish I could say that I won’t be watching an online video of the MacWorld conference, I also wish I could say that the anticipation isn’t seeping out of my pores.

It’s probably a good thing that I use an exfoliater.

What drives this anticipation; from where does this obsession come? As anti-social as my personal tech habits may appear, my devotion pales in comparison to the devotion of many others. When it comes to fandom, I’m a pwned n00b (assuming I knew what a pwned n00b is). Why are so many Apple fans and devotees – like myself – passionately dedicated to a computer company? Why did Mac followers campout overnight to buy Apple’s newest operating system upgrade? Is it an exaggeration to compare the community supporting Apple to that of a cult?

In last year’s MacWorld conference for example, there was a particular memorable scene in CEO Steve Job’s presentation where he announced a ‘revolutionary mobile phone,’ a proclamation that caused the audience to respond with the kind of enthusiasm and gratitude generally reserved for people being freed from a concentration camp. The MacWorld audience cheered and applauded and screamed and went nuts and then – as if to highlight the absurd eagerness surrounding a mere cell phone – a man actually pumped his arm in the air in an Arsenio Hall-esque fashion.

I repeat: A man actually pumped his arm in the air in an Arsenio Hall-esque fashion.

Short of heralding the Rapture, I rarely believe that enthusiasm deserves, of all things, an Arsenio Hall imitation. Nevertheless, this anticipation for the iPhone drove adults to demonstrate their enthusiasm in a non-adult manner (what some might call ‘childish’). As atypical as this may appear, this odd demonstration of tech-passion manifests itself for other products as well:

*The shoppers who do anything to purchase a Wii video game console – such as waiting all night in the cold.

*Those students who play online computer game ‘World of Warcraft’ – for three days straight.

*The households who own a thousand-channel satellite dish – despite not being able to afford to feed their children.

There’s nothing wrong with preferring one particular product or company to another, but what happens then that preference becomes a passion which drives the most fundamental motivation of one’s existence? Generations and centuries past, people were motivated by religion, philosophy, and politics. Today, people are still motivated by religion, philosophy, and politics.

And BlackBerries, videogames, and MP3 players.

One can’t help but imagine what society would be like if such passion and dedication was instead devoted to issues more important than being dedicated to the most advanced gadget. Would more people vote? Would more people attend church? Would more people be more civically minded? Would the public revolt and demand more from their leaders?

Personally, I recognize that my life would hardly function without my iPhone, a fact I’m willing to admit. Perhaps it’s time for me to quit cold turkey. If not, maybe I can at least shift my technology addiction to something slightly less addictive.

Like cocaine.

Bringing In the New Year the Right Way

(This article was published in the
January 7th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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Only a week into the New Year, and I’ve already given up.

It’s been said that one can determine the outcome of the upcoming year by simply looking at how one spends New Year’s Day. Considering that I spent my New Year’s Day coming up with my spectacular New Year’s resolution of “this year I resolve to make a New Year’s resolution,” I think I know which direction my newly minted 2008 will take. “Resolve to make a New Year’s resolution” – a resolution so effective, that it rates up there with my resolution from 2007, of “this year I resolve to stop putting off my procrastination until tomorrow.”

Clearly my success with New Years resolutions thus far in life have been as successful as my other resolution of translating Lewis Caroll’s poem ‘Jabberwocky’ into Polish.

It’s very curious, this idea of making resolutions. The Beginning of the Year – as if the only time of the year that we need to focus on getting into shape or communicating better with our significant other or getting into shape or quitting smoking or getting into shape or writing that novel or getting into shape or finally organizing the attic or getting into shape (purely examples; I’m promise I’m not obsessed with getting into shape) is in January. What a Giant Practical Joke has been played on us. I sometimes wonder about the origin of the ‘calendar,’ and what we call ‘time.’ Time and calendar and months and days and years are based on inventions by ancient civilizations thousands of years before us. These ancient civilizations decided that today would be called “January,” and that every year would have “365 days” and there would be “24 hours” in a day and that when one arrives 15 minutes after a set appointment time, it would be considered “really late and to be honest Ryan, we also think you’re unprofessional.” Because it’s so overwhelmingly embraced, we have no choice but to accept the Gregorian calendar. We forget – time is an invention. What a Giant Practical Joke these ancient civilizations must think they’ve pulled on us. They’re hanging out there in heaven, saying to themselves:

“This stupid modern society. We made up this ridiculous 365-day calendar by pulling a random rock with a random number out of a sheep-cloth bag, and now this modern society uses that calendar to pretend they’re going to quit smoking and lose weight at the beginning of every calendar. What a joke.

Now let’s go rape and pillage something.”

The Gregorian calendar may only be 1500 years old – give or take a few weeks – but the concept of the human race wanting to become perfect is as old as the human race itself. Or Fred Thompson. This pursuit of perfection is the very reason we established religion – so that we might find personal perfection through God. This pursuit of perfection is found in politics; a theocracy may be nice – but a more perfect society opts for democracy. The human race evolves, by desiring perfection in science, law, entertainment, art and fashion models. This is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom – our attempt at becoming stronger, faster, better. So why do we limit our timeframe in this desire to become perfect to only January?

I blame Pope Gregory XIII.

I accomplished only two of last year’s eight resolutions. I feel rather frustrated with myself, a frustration surpassed only by “Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.” Consider some of my resolutions for 2007. Run the Salt Lake City marathon – despite not having ran in months? Write and publish a book – despite the fact that I can barely put together a column? Be elected president of Guam – do I even know where Guam is? Start a non-profit organization – because I’m made out of money? Be kind to one person a day – even more unrealistic than my other resolutions?

I have no one to blame for my failures but myself. And maybe Gary Coleman (America’s scapegoat ™). Despite this failure though, perhaps this year instead of setting ridiculous and unreachable goals for myself, I should resolve to just be an overall better person. A better person not only in January, but during all ten months (I’m skipping July and August – way too hot for perfection). I can’t promise myself that this is the year I visit Asia, win a Pulitzer, or sleep with a celebrity – but I can certainly resolve to be kinder, more generous, and a better friend.

That having been said, I will keep at least one resolution. I only have 300 or so days left – and ‘Jabberwocky’ isn’t about to translate itself.

Anyone familiar with what “jubjub bird” is in Polish?