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Til the End of Time

So Hillary Clinton took Indiana in the primaries last night. Big deal. As everyone knows, she plans on staying in the race for a very long time. Not until June. Not until the convention. But forever. Hillary Clinton is going to stay in the race forever.

Will she go down in history as the first president to be female? No. She will go down in history as the first presidential candidate to achieve immortality.

Like everyone else under the age of – let’s be honest – 93, I’m pretty burned out by this entire race. Several months ago, I would have enjoyed watching the primary returns on CNN. Last night however, instead of watching the returns for Indiana and North Carolina, I thought I would have a movie marathon instead. I just need to do something that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever. A movie marathon should get my mind off this never ending race!

The following is a list of some of the movies I ended up watching, trying to get my mind off the race and Hillary Clinton in particular:

Dammit. Mission not accomplished.

I Want to Tell a Kid that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down

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This is an ad I saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. It reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us."

I understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us?

I can only imagine the ads they rejected:

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that most of their toys are from China and contain lethal amounts of lead. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that dressing up like Miley Cyrus for Halloween makes the kid look like a whore. Certainly not us."
  • "No one wants to tell a kid that the reason the tooth fairy has stopped leaving money under the kid's pillow is because daddy is an alcoholic and spent all of his money on booze. Certainly not us."

You Might Be a Super Delegate If...

Barack Obama says on Meet the Press that Hillary Clinton most likely will stay in the race until the end. As of today, the Democratic primary has now lasted approximately 1,342 weeks. What is America to do?

Well fear not, you 72 million registered Democrats (give or take a few million) out there. I have a solution. Consider the following:

FACT: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are currently in a statistical tie.

FACT: The only way Barack can offer the final blow OR Hillary can pull ahead is for the super delegates to announce for whom they are voting.

FACT: For some reason, many super delegates across the U.S. have still not announced who they are supporting.

THEREFORE: Most of the super delegates are not aware that they are a super delegate.

It’s simple! Once you know you’re a super delegate… you’ll announce your support for either candidate… and then the greatest debate of all time in the history of time and space will come to an end. But how exactly is a person to whether they’re a super delegate?

YOU MIGHT BE A SUPER DELEGATE IF:

1. You inexplicably feel a large sense of power and responsibility whenever you watch CSPAN.

2. You’re having dinner at Red Lobster, and Ted Kennedy’s paying.

3. You giggle whenever you overhear someone say “I sure wish the super delegates would just decide already.”

4. Oprah sends you a brand new car – and even pays the taxes on it.

5. You wake up with a hangover, after doing shots with Hillary the night before.

6. Barack stops by Burger King while you’re working the evening shift, and tells you he’s so concerned that you only make minimum wage that it keeps him awake at night.

7. You’ve been fake-interviewed by a Daily Show correspondent. Twice.

8. Chelsea asks you if she can put you in her ‘top 8 friends,’ despite the fact that no one uses MySpace anymore.

9. You suddenly starting using words like “gravitas” and “more important than everyone else I know” when describing yourself in an online personal ad.

10. You’re a Nobel Peace Prize winning, Academy Award winning, former vice-president.

The Long Island Iced Tea - A Tribute

Today is the last day, in the great state of Utah, where a person may order a Long Island Iced Tea. As of tomorrow, May 5th, yet another of Utah's totally non-quirky liquor laws will become a reality.

As we bid adieu to the dash of cola, 1 oz. lemon juice, 1 oz. rum, 1 oz. tequila, 1 oz. gin, and 1 oz. vodka concoction of wonder and mirth (shake and add lemon wedge) - a concoction which has caused many a person to make many a drunken phone call - may we bow our heads in silence at the passing of such a great friend.

A somber time such as this calls to mind the following immortal poem:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out - because i was not a Trade Unionist.

Then the Utah lawmakers came for the Long Island Iced Tea, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Long Island Iced Tea.

Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me.

May liquor-fearing Republican Utah lawmakers be cursed in your named, Long Island Iced Tea. Utah will miss you.

Amen.

A_dear_friend_2

Ron Paul Followers Do Not Believe in Using Hyperbole

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With all the commotion surrounding Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and if you squint just right, John McCain as well), it’s easy for some people to forget that Ron Paul is still running for the president of the United States. Of course by “some people,” I mean “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution.”

And of course by “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution,” I mean “pretty much everybody.”

Ron Paul released his new book yesterday, The Revolution: A Manifesto. For those who don’t plan on voting for Ron Paul, this was simply a new book. For those who do plan on voting for Ron Paul, this book is more groundbreakingly historical than a copy of the Bible handwritten by Jesus himself, complete with a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory wedged between the Old and New Testaments.

To Ron Paul supporters, this is no ordinary book – this is the book to end all books.

Hyperbole is an Eliot Spitzer prostitute – they’re both cheap and easy (minus the cheap part). Therefore, instead of believing my hyperbole concerning Ron Paul’s infallible book, consider the following real comments left on Amazon.com:

080501_blog_entry


That's right. You read correctly.

1. “Ron Paul + Jesse Ventura = Critical Mass”

2. “If this book does not save our liberties, what will?”

3. “The most important writing since Patrick Henry’s ‘Common Sense’”

4. “Ultimate Survival kit for seekers of liberty: The Bible & The Revolution: A Manifesto”

5. “Perhaps we can still save our country, by Warpy McDuckard”

Warpy McDuckard. Warpy McDuckard. Someone believes we can still save our country, and that person is Warpy McDuckard.

And my favorite…
080501_blog_entry_2
Ron Paul More Important than the Second Coming of Christ?

You have to at least give them credit for asking this in the form of a question, and not just assuming.

So there you have it. People who review Ron Paul's new book do believe in hyperbole, and are a lot more normal than the media would have us believe.

On an absolutely, completely unrelated note, ‘The Secret’ is still on sale on Amazon.

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Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck, March & April 2008

Happy Hairstylist Appreciation Day! For those of you not in the know (i.e. everybody alive), today is officially Hairstylist Appreciation Day! I know, right? I didn't know it was Hairstylist Appreciation Day either, until I found out it was! So go get your haircut! Go appreciate your hairstylist! After all... Hairstylist Appreciation Day only comes around once a year, unlike some of the Jewish holidays.

Seriously, aren't Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah like seven times a year?

Today is also the last day of April. Where did the month go? I'm guessing it probably went with months January, February, and March, although let's not be all scientific about it. The point is, time mostly moves forward, and tomorrow most likely is May. Therefore, it's time to present:

GOOGLE SEARCHES THAT LED YOU TO BULLSHATTUCK IN MARCH & APRIL 2008

Because I didn't post the "Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck" list in March, I'll make sure that April is a double edition! That's twice as much!

  • ryan shattuck bull shattuck (this seems pretty obvious)
  • horseshoing joke (I don't know how the joke goes, but I'm sure it's inappropriate)
  • 2008 oscars movie tribute
  • oscars, reviews, 2008
  • republicans in hollywood video (#1 hit!)
  • clinton shattuck (apparently I married Bill, but kept my maiden name)
  • Gay Mormon (this isn't the first search to bring visitors to my site - weird)
  • "repairyourbadcredit.com" rip off (using Google in Russian, no less)
  • Gay Mormon
  • what does the talisman monkey and bull mean in spiritualism (#1 hit!)
  • "he's so old" jokes
  • "ryan shattuck" (knowing that people google me makes me kind of nervous)
  • pennies attak by girls
  • Do gay guys go to heaven (if you have to ask, you don't need to know - and no, they don't)
  • what do you get a 45 year old man for his birthday (I repeat: if you have to ask, you don't need to know)
  • Andy Warhol asexual
  • salt lake city ryan blog cher
  • i received your message on my birthday (using Google in Filipino)
  • Chris Buttars Utah
  • hillary clinton's lucky charms
  • example of my speech for my birthday (using Google in Hawaiian - how multicultural of me)
  • marie osmond
  • rmwarnick profile
  • "Eating Out 2" (I hate this movie, so I'm mad a Google search leads people to my site)
  • Chris Butters utah controversy (seriously, people are still looking this up?)
  • regal seagull
  • bullshattuck (again, this seems obvious)
  • announcing a new brand

Further Proof that Barack is a Mac & Hillary is a PC

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FACT: Apple just debuted a new commercial over the weekend for the iPod, featuring the song "Shut Up and Let Me Go."

FACT: Barack Obama continues to distance himself from the comments Reverend Jeremiah Wright made over the weekend.

Coincidence?

Announcing the Launch of Utah's Brand New #1 News Source

Regal_seagull_logo

Dear friends, family, visitors to Bullshattuck, and whomever doesn't fit in that category (like my acupuncturist):

If you live in Utah, you know that your news choices consist of Something Tribune, and Deseret Something. Don't you deserve more? Should there not be more, and better, choices for news? Why can't there exist a news source which just so happens to be written by a team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists? And what exactly is this project that Ryan's been working on these past few months? As some of you know:

*I almost got a job writing for The Onion. But didn't.
*I almost got a job writing for the Associated Press. But didn't.
*I almost had a publisher give me the green light for my book. But didn't.

What do I do when life hands me "no" and "we're not interested?" Simple - I make lemonade. Rejection makes me kind of thirsty.

Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce the launch of my newest lemonade... The Regal Seagull: Utah's Brand New #1 News Source. You're welcome.

A team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists, plumb the depths of the Utah news world in order to bring you the news that actually matters. Consider the following stories, which appear in our first issue:

*"Idaho can't find identity, petitions federal government to become 'North Utah'"
*"Las Vegas loses title of 'Sin City' to West Jordan"
*"Utah to build giant fence to end illegal bird migration"
*"Guy in Ogden disappointed he never auditioned for Everwood"
*...and other hard hitting news stories

Do you think these important stories would ever appear in the Salt Lake Tribune or the Deseret Whatever It's Called? Absolutely not. They may have clout and self-respect, but we have determination and moxie.

So go ahead, visit The Regal Seagull. Link to The Regal Seagull. Tell people about The Regal Seagull. Become part of the 60 million Utah residents who have learned to trust The Regal Seagull for all their newsy needs.

Someone needs to plumb the Utah news world. Let The Regal Seagull be your news plumber.

Thank you, friends and family. And my acupuncturist.


regally seagully yours,
RYAN SHATTUCK

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Voting for America's Next Top Drinking Buddy

(This column was published in the
April 21st, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)



There once was a man from Nantucket,

Lost everything in the stock market.

It wasn't a joke,

That he soon was broke,

And became rather aggravated with the way in which the hosts of last week's presidential debate, Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, instead of asking questions relating to the economy and other issues that affect Americans, focused on such banal issues as the wearing of a flag pin.

That poor guy from Nantucket. He can't ever seem to catch a break. Plus, his limericks kind of suck.

A lot of conversation has been generated by last Wednesday's debate between Senators Clinton and Obama, which was sponsored by ABC News. The debate's hosts, Gibson and Stephanopoulos, were lambasted by many people and organizations, such as other media outlets and much of the political blogosphere. Everyone -- including And Their Dog and And Their Mom -- apparently had something critical to say about the hosts for their decision to employ petty and inconsequential questions.

Is there anyone, aside from a certain Chronicle columnist, who actually still cares about the anti-American comments of Obama's former reverend? Are Clinton's claims of having survived sniper fire in Bosnia good for much else, aside from the occasional late-night talk show host joke? Does anyone, aside from Charlie Gibson, even care that Obama sometimes doesn't wear a flag pin? Do any of these issues fundamentally affect the lives of average Americans, aside from inspiring more than their share of hand-wringing?

Perhaps I'm concerned about the Iraq War because I have children serving in Iraq -- but my vote for America's next Commander-in-Chief hinges on whether the candidate will wear a plastic pin. I may have lost my job due to the declining economy -- but my vote for America's next Commander-in-Chief hinges on whether the candidate will wear a plastic pin. I may now have to pay over $1,000 to fill my semi-trailer in order to deliver my load of food to America's grocery stores -- but my vote for America's next Commander-in-Chief hinges on whether the candidate will wear a plastic pin.

Would Barack Obama Wear a Plastic Pin? Some people ask themselves "WWJD," and then they decide. I ask myself "WBOWAPP," and then I vote.

Gibson and Stephanopulos aren't the only ones to offend the American public by asking asinine questions of candidates for the most powerful job position in the world. President George Bush was famously voted as the candidate with whom most Americans would like to share a beer. President Bill Clinton was once asked if he preferred boxers or briefs. Even President Grover Cleveland was voted as the president most likely to leave his friends dirty MySpace comments. While questions such as these help round out candidates and presidents as "average" people, should they take center stage in a debate hosted by ABC News? I expect Comedy Central to entertain me by asking candidates ridiculous question on issues that don't matter -- I expect ABC News to inform me by asking candidates questions on issues that do.

There's no question that a certain level of likability must be present in our presidential candidates in order for them to win an election. Nevertheless, I don't value likability in my presidential candidates as much as I value competency. In a job interview, most people generally aren't asked about their personality, their likes and dislikes and whether they would be fun to get a beer with as much as they're asked about their applicable skills and what they would bring to the company. Some recent news stories, however, would have us believe that we're not voting for America's Next Top Leader of the Free World as much as we're voting for America's Next Top Drinking Buddy.

Perhaps I'm naive, but I like to assume that the American public is smarter than the media would have us believe. Fluff stories of Hillary Clinton having a shot of whiskey, Barack Obama not being a good bowler or John McCain forgetting where he left his car keys will not bring back jobs or end the Iraq War. Constantly hearing of Reverend Wright's anti-American comments and Clinton's dumb lie regarding a sniper-infested Bosnia doesn't affect our day-to-day lives. What does Obama intend on doing for the millions of Americans without healthcare? Will Clinton pull the troops out of Iraq? Does McCain have a plan for the sagging economy?

Sorry, Charlie Gibson, George Stephanopoulos and other media journalists, but these are the stories I care about. I'm not interested in the scandals you shove down my throat.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Just ask the unemployed man from Nantucket.

The Anatomy of a Flip Flop

(This column was published in the
April 17th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)



I used to think Robin Williams was one of the best actors Hollywood had to offer. Now I find him to be more obnoxious than a room full of 3-year-olds. I used to pretend to date women in high school. Now I write for a number of gay, political publications. I used to consider myself a highly religious person. Now I consider myself to be a secular humanist, with a side order of laziness. I used to think that parachute pants were cool. Now I wouldn't be caught dead wearing them, even if I pushed from a plane and wearing them was the only way to save my life.

Everyone changes his or her mind throughout life. We change our minds regarding culinary tastes, fashion and politics. Non-Christians become Christians, Republicans become Democrats and vegetarians vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Yesterday the celebrity diet of choice was the Atkins Diet. Today many celebrities are on an effective diet called drunkorexia. Yesterday everyone was taking glamour shots. Today we simply use Photoshop. Yesterday we loved Mariah Carey so much that we launched her to No. 1 on the Billboard music charts. Today we love Carey so much that we…launch her to No. 1 on the Billboard music charts (clearly some things never change, such as Stonehenge or the public's fascination with Carey).

Nevertheless, the evolution of people and their tastes, beliefs and experiences alters nearly all aspects of demographics and the human race. We don't fault anyone for having an opinion different from that which they had 10, five or even one year ago. Unless that person is a politician.

The majority of politicians are manipulative and calculating, an opinion with which few people would disagree. However, what is sometimes forgotten is the fact that some politicians are actual people with genuine, evolving opinions.

The average person who has altered his or her opinion on, for example, abortion over a span of 10 years, is simply considered to have altered that opinion on abortion over a span of 10 years. A politician who has altered his or her opinion on any given subject over a span of 10 years is assumed to be an unscrupulous, Machiavellian flip-flopper.

Never mind that the politician changes his or her opinion because his or her actual personal belief has changed-it's assumed he or she is simply doing it for political reasons.

For the record, I voted for John Kerry in 2004 and strongly disliked Mitt Romney in 2008. Although I believe that some of the accusations against both men, labeling them both as "flip-floppers," were justified, I also believe that not every accusation was grounded in truth.

After having served in the Vietnam War, isn't it possible that Kerry's opinions on the war would have evolved? Although Romney was pro-choice earlier in his political career, isn't it possible that his opinion would have evolved over the span of a decade? Many people-including myself-accused Romney of having changed his opinion for political reasons. Is this fair? Haven't I also changed my beliefs on a number of topics over the years?

Giving a speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s death, presidential candidate John McCain admitted to having made a mistake in 1983 when he voted in Congress against a federal holiday honoring King. Despite the two-and-a-half decades that have passed since McCain's vote and his apologies in a number of speeches to several different groups, some still hold his feet to the fire for his offensive, but dumb, decision.

Are we too cynical to believe that a person might have changed an opinion in a span of time longer than the time in which society has had the Internet-or Haley Joel Osment?

To play the part of devil's advocate, we must recognize that the timing and sincerity of any given politician plays a large role in believing the evolution of the politician's opinion. I give someone such as Romney the benefit of the doubt for altering his opinion on abortion over a span of 10 years. Conversely, I doubt his sincerity when this alteration in opinion occurs during a presidential election.

In the current presidential election, politicians want us to believe them, and we want to believe politicians. However, they must understand that our belief in their evolution of opinions depends completely on their timing and sincerity. We want to believe Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and JohnMcCain-provided their opinions are sincere and the timing isn't political.

The exception, of course, is if any one of them try to convince us that parachute pants are making a comeback. I won't believe that for a second.